This is why I need a parental filter to keep me off eBay

Every time I go onto eBay it takes me about five minutes to become obsessed by the, suddenly obvious, fact that my house needs a twelve-piece suite of distressed Chesterfield club chairs. In oxblood. And a mahogany davenport, inlaid with walnut marquetry depicting the meaning of life. And at least one desk. With a leather top. Made from unicorn scrotums.

Then I start clicking on links to see what other treasures are under the scrutiny of the bastards who are trying to steal my Chesterfields. Behold! “Graceful Carved Monkeypipe”. Jesus! If I don’t buy it now, I’ll end up with a gallumphing, uncoordinated Monkeypipe. I hover over the ‘Buy Graceful Monkeypipe Now’ button, but wait – the people coveting my Monkeypipe also have their beady eyes on a ‘Dog Head Wall Placque’. The title doesn’t do it any sort of justice and it should be listed as ‘Wall Plaque Depicting Small Dog Being Surprised From Behind.’ In the description, the seller states: “On the back an impressed ‘ENGLAND’ can just be seen”. I should imagine so… It clearly has the potential to impress on a global scale.

But then there’s the mint condition hedgehog skull. I know a lot of people who would benefit from discovering a small mammal skull in their teacup. At least once.

This is also why I don’t have my own credit card.

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

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