Jean Therapy

Gentlemen, it is often observed, house their secondary brains in their testicles. What is routinely overlooked is the effect that tight fitting trousers can have on male cognitive faculties.

This weekend, I found myself in an increasingly snug pair of jeans that tend to pinch my man-brains whenever I am sitting down. Or standing. This forced all of my Y chromosomes up into my head, causing me to spend even longer than usual searching the internet for random factoids. This is pretty advanced science, so do try to keep up.

Factoid: Field mice are an endangered species. I think I knew this already, but the upward chromosomal surge offered a fresh perspective.

Field mice would never have become an endangered species if they had made a better show of adapting to their modern environment. Look at cats – they’ve taken over the internet and are now the undisputed, dominant virtual species.

It would have been simple for field mice to ingratiate themselves with humans and start a whole new, symbiotic relationship with us. They’re just not trying. Baby field mice, for instance, would make excellent reusable cotton buds. Also, field mice of any age could be used to carry messages to people who never read their emails. It’s impossible to ignore a message if it’s delivered by a field mouse climbing up onto your monitor and waving it at you. To make this particularly effective, thus securing a competitive evolutionary advantage, field mice would need to evolve opposable thumbs and an offensive vocabulary so they could hold a tiny placard over their heads while shouting “RSVP Fuckwit!” or something similar. Try ignoring that.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

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