Inventions for the furtherance of humanity

Here are just a few of the inventions that have occurred to me over the past couple of weeks. You may develop them further if you like – my only concern being for the wellbeing of humanity. I know… I love you too.

– Top hats with pockets in them because (as if it needed a justification):

a) trouser pockets are better kept empty, for scratching purposes;

b) combat trousers with full pockets are a hinderance in combat situations, actually;

c) top hats are a reservoir of untapped cool;

d) you can keep valuable items inside the hat, shielded from the gaze of your local miscreants

– Along a similar line: surgery to convert excess skin into pockets

– A charity that collects and distributes eyebrows to the disadvantaged

– A new style of nodding (along the front/backwards horizontal) to politely express a gradual loss of interest in what someone’s saying

– Reverse platform shoes that make tall people shorter by drilling holes underneath them

– Light-reactive, prescription monocles – better than contact lenses because:

a) you need only use one if your other eye is okay

b) if the other eye is just as bad, you’ll appreciate the difference better

c) they are the only thing that distinguishes us from apes

d) you can register surprise by allowing them to fall into your Special Brew

e) hamsters can’t wear contacts because their eyeballs bulge too much

f) contact lenses apply a downward force to your eyeballs, while monocles actually prevent you eyeballs from dropping out. This is particularly useful while eating soup

g) you can’t get stained-glass contact lenses

In other news: Curtis Tiger, the cat I am making from the contents of my keyboard, is shaping up nicely. Here’s an artist’s impression:

The eye- buttons came from underneath the keyboard

Curtis Tiger: Keyboard Cat

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

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