Dear Mr Cameron
Please fix it for me to do the Big Society by being able to ticket cars for parking in the wrong places, like on double yellow lines outside the shops or on lawns. I would like to put more fines on cars that have their yellow blinkers on while they do this. I would also like to take the example of our American law enforcement idols and have the option of smashing tail-lights in these situations. What do you think? I think it would be great. I am willing to go on a course. I could also walk around and do people for no tax or spinning hubcaps or huge exhaust pipes or speed stripes.
If you want me to do clamping, I will need to buy a rucksack on expenses but I don’t mind. I don’t need to go on a course for this. I can’t do ticketing for speeding because I’m not a very fast runner, especially when I’m carrying wheel clamps, but I can always tell which cars are going to speed because of the make or if the driver looks a bit rough. I can ticket these and let the air out of the tyres in the interest of prevention. I know the economic apocalypse will have impacted on the budget for penalty tickets, so please don’t worry about the extra expense because I have a printer at home and have designed my own. They read “you’ve been done by the Big Society. That’ll be a hundred quid, motherfucker” which I think you’ll agree is in the spirit of plain English as well as providing a clear deterrent to recidivism.
When this initiative solves the recession and you can fire the all the policemen, I will spend my Social Impact Bond money on a horse which I will ride while doing tickets.
Lots of love