The future has arrived. It’s blurry.

I am now the proud owner of a moisturising potion whose primary ingredient is ‘oat milk’.  I’d never really thought about it before, but the number of nipples in a standard bowl of porridge must be staggering, not to mention the miniaturisation of industrial milking machines. Inevitably, they’ll have genetically modified great herds of oats to have six nipples each. Bastards.

I hear your  cries that ‘milk’ is simply a euphemism for ‘stuff that comes out when you squash something in a huge metal press’. SMA baby milk may require further investigation, but I’m steering clear just in case.

I’ve since noticed that, once desperation compels you to pay the same amount for a moisturiser as you used to spend on green test-tube shots, the first ingredient  on the label ceases to be ‘water’ and becomes ‘aqua’. If I’d spent all those years chasing the green test tube shots with aqua instead of water (or vodka), I probably wouldn’t be in this mess now.

Much of my last week at work was spent trying to catch out the psychic field mice that make my computer mouse work. For those of you who don’t understand science, a computer mouse is able to tell the miniaturised vampires inside your computer screen where to move the pointer thanks to the psychic field mice sticking their tiny legs out of the hole in the bottom. They’re quick little buggers, but you can occasionally catch them with their legs poking out if you sit completely still for an hour or so, them flip your mouse over really fast. It also seems to help if you’re quite drunk. I intend to demonstrate this to human resources at the meeting they’ve scheduled for me on Monday. They’ll probably give me a raise.

In other news: have you ever wondered what the spiky parentheses on your keyboard are for? In the absence of knowledge (which may well be the title of my autobiography) I have decided that they exist to protect fragile, precious things like {baby unicorns}.


About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

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