Dear Steve Jobs who art in heaven

I’d like a job at Apple please. I’d be really good at it because I am so enthusiastic about apples and have a tree in my garden. Only joking. I know you guys sell all like computers and shit, which is perfect because I could make some brilliant computer games. I don’t know any programming languages, but I know a bit of German and I’m really good at pointing. Will this do? I’ve got an idea for a computer game that’s based on Turgenev’s beloved classic novel Fathers and Sons. You start off wandering around a bleak, Russian landscape, blowing up the established institutions of 1840’s Russia while, in the background, the game erases everything off your hard drive to hammer home the nihilism. Then the game becomes a tragedy and infects your computer with typhus. Then you have to go outside and get some fresh air. I’m sure you’ll agree that it would be both fun and educational for children and adults alike.

Another idea is a cross between World of Warcraft and the life of Mahatma Gandhi where you use non-violent, direct action to shame all of the other participants into pacifism until they stop fighting and spend their time spinning cotton. The platinum edition could come with a loom. You can have this idea for free because I have more saved on my Palm Pilot. For instance, what about making it easier for people who forget to charge their iPhones by making a version that just stays plugged in all the time. You could strip back the confusing, peripheral features like apps and text and shit and just keep the functionality that allows you to tell people what to do. You could call it a telliPhone. You can have that one for free but I’ll need some luncheon vouchers because I thought of it at lunchtime.

Please send the acceptance letter in a .doc format because my android phone has trouble with .PDFs




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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

2 responses to “Appl(e)cation”

  1. deidein says :

    Okay, taking a break from reading you, my laughter is now disturbing my coworkers.

  2. alanschuyler says :

    I love the ‘telliphone’ bit. It reminds me of when my daughter explained ‘texting’ to me. I told her that we’d tried that already, it was called the ‘telegraph’ and then some guy thought it would be easier if we could just ‘talk’ over the same wires.

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