Balanced and nutty

Dear Starbucks

I love your coffee so much I haven’t blinked in four years. Have you thought of delivering to offices through hosepipes? I reckon we’d all club together for a hosepipe to be connected to our office because it would stop the headaches setting in while we queue. I know coffee is a good drug and in no way damaging to society, like booze or the X Factor, and I’m sure it’s perfectly normal that I can’t poo until I’ve had at least five shots of espresso in the morning. Have you thought of selling coffee in syringes? Do you know of any hospitals that would be willing to sell me a drip? I like the crunchy coffee you sell in bags, although I find that it stains my tie if I try to spoon too much into my mouth all at once. Do you sell cups that I can swim in? What? What did you say? Did you just call me paranoid? People are always doing that, behind my back. Sorry. Not your fault. I love you guys.

YoursfaithfullyAlex

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

3 responses to “Balanced and nutty”

  1. deidein says :

    Since you followed me, I decided to check out your blog, and I’m sincerely glad I did. You’re hilarious!

  2. Sheena says :

    I am writing this, still awake, thanks to freakin’ Starbucks. I take real pleasure in their coffee but I am pretty sure I hate every employee ever to have worked there. I tried to use my gift card at the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble bookstore and those assholes don’t accept Starbucks gift cards (and they were rude about telling me), How the fuck do these things happen? I wanted to make a scene but decided purchasing my coffee quietly was probably better…their still assholes. Anypoop, like your blog.

  3. Dana C Thomas says :

    After reading this I had to share my only conspiratory theory. Okay let’s just say that’s true in this moment. Anywho…. As I was saying….My conspiracy theory.

    I believe the day will come when a switch is flipped and all of us under the influence of Starbucks coursing through our viens will become mindless drones. Wait! Has that already happened?

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