In Store Optimisation

Dear Tesco’s

I’m not saying you should make me your global head of store design and put me in charge of sorting out the insanity to which you currently subject the British public. I’m not saying that. If anyone’s saying that around here it’s you. Okay?

I accept. You may pay me in malt loaf.

Here’s what we’re going to do. First, we need to group stuff together according to who’s buying what. This way, people will know which bit to go to and don’t need to spend four hours looking for Bovril (which is made of cows but, due to your current insanity, isn’t shelved with the milk or shoes or fruit pastilles).

So, anyway:

Our new student section should be right at the back and should be accessible from the rear, to allow for non-conformist experimentation. It will need to be stocked with duvets and philosophical ideals and beer and self righteousness and things to put things in that look like they were made by other students but actually cost £5.99. Also drugs.

We will do away with the ‘Ethnic Food’ section, which is just a bit thick (sorry, but this is for your own good) because everyone’s ethnic, actually, so what you really mean is ‘food for people who aren’t from around here’ as opposed to food for normal people, like pfeffernusse and Argentinian beef jerkey.
Food will now be arranged under the following categories:
· Ambiguous Foodstuffs: Things that are pretending to be other things, including: turkey ham (not really ham); quorn burgers (burgers? I think not); luxury cat food (this could also go in the student section); The Daily Mail (shelved with food due to bile content); Avocados (because they’re not to be trusted)
· Traditional British Cuisine: Frozen oven chips; turkey twizzlers; spam
· Contemporary Indo-European Fusion: Vegetables
· Organic Contemporary Indo-European Fusion: Little vegetables
· Food that people actually want: A big pile of teabags and cakes and crisps and wine that we’ll pile up in the middle of the store and build a cage around. We’ll weigh people on the way in and out and charge for the difference.

The children’s toys section must be clearly divided by gender because boys and girls have very different requirements. Boys want to dress as ninjas and wage war on each other with automatic weapons. Girls want to dress as sparkly ninja princesses and wage war on boys with sparkly, slightly more advanced automatic weapons.

Everything else will be shelved alphabetically, by author.

As you already know, I recently made a start on this reorganisation at my local store and look forward to hearing that you have resolved the associated misunderstanding. Please tell the security man that I hope he isn’t too embarrassed, but that I will need my cape and flying goggles back as soon as possible.

Moist regards




About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

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