How to do business

Running a successful business requires skills and knowledge that you don’t have. Don’t panic. I will fix you.
Firstly, and this is important, this is the twenty first century, so it’s pronounced ‘bidness’. Not ‘business’ – ‘bidness’. Okay? Now we can get down to bidness (spelt ‘business’)
Assuming you have all of the physical prerequisits for your office environment, like rubber thimbles and the thing that fixes pieces of paper to other bits of paper (I think it’s called jam and can usually be found in your printer), you are ready to begin planning your business.
A ‘business plan’ is a document that describes the purpose of what you are doing and how you are going to do it. Simplicity and plain English are key here. Mine says “Get rich by inventing a thing that transports monkeys by email.” Yours will be similar, but you’ll make less money because I’ve patented the monkey email idea.
To actually run the business, you will need expensive coffee and probably some shoes. Everything else should just fall into place. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours, although I won’t be able to come to your shop to buy furry telephone cosies, or whatever, because I’ll be in my gold beach hut, attaching monkeys to emails and snorting lines of caviar with million pound notes.

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

2 responses to “How to do business”

  1. Miles says :

    Laughed my way thru this 🙂

  2. mccluskyjournals says :

    This is inspiring! Until now, when filling out the ‘job’ section on various forms, I have indicated that I am ‘self-unemployed’. But from this day forward I will proudly say that I am ‘in bidness. Please excuse me, I’m getting a little misty.

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