The stresses of modern living are now exacerbated by the need for everything in the bloody house to receive updates from the internet. Just this morning I was attempting to construct some breakfast when my efforts were thwarted by the toaster demanding the latest operating system upgrade, so it could set the fire alarm off via bluetooth without having to risk actually heating up.

Once the toaster had received its update, and I was busy hitting the smoke alarm with the handle of a mop (that was still using mOP1.1, so it couldn’t alert the fire safety authorities), the doorbell informed the kettle that someone had arrived, which was fairly fruitless as the kettle was still running KTL9.2 and was unable to leap down off the counter and answer the door (functionality introduced in the 9.3 update). Luckily, my cochlea licenses had just been renewed, so I was able to detect the noise with my standard hardware. I opened the door to find a male of unestablished credentials downloading piles of spam onto my drive. Conveniently, having not defragmented the drive for some time, the spam slid between the bits, filling it up nicely. The pop-ups can be a tad inconvenient when I’m trying to reverse the car out, but the fence posts just gained an extra four inches in a week.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

8 responses to “Upgraded”

  1. lindastudley says :

    Brilliant! I have been reading your posts and enjoying them thoroughly. What a wonderfully dry sense of humour you have!

  2. artjen1971 says :

    Hilarious! Love it!

  3. Christina Nowacki says :

    Oh jeebus – there’s another MOP update out? Gawd!


  4. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    That was HILARIOUS! I’ll be back.

    Thanks for stopping by my post.

  5. Red says :

    I had no idea we were neighbors. I am certain you noticed the spam filter for the MLBX 4.7 is completely corrupt. Now, if I could only upgrade the crEr to 8.6 I could get the replacement discs on time.

    Technology. *sigh*

  6. joyannaadams says :

    I would like my toaster to deliver my buttered toast to me in bed. It’s about time it upgraded.

  7. Rosie the Yoga Dog says :

    Squid. Thanks for ‘liking’ my blog. Outstanding post! Glad we found each other…in a decent, manly way, of course.

  8. halejj says :

    What is a modern Luddite to do? Your post made me think of this very funny April Fools’ Days story on NPR. Check it out – http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=135041848&m=135049505

    I really liked your post. I’ll be back. Oh and thanks for stopping by ILOVEMYOPINION.com.

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