How Star Wars Should Have Started
Darth Vader walks into a bar and orders the bartender to line up some shots. This may seem implausible, but it’s like a joke, so please bear with me…
The bartender, concerned that he might be about to witness the bender that destroys the galaxy, decides to find out what’s wrong, probably so he can tweet about it.
“Everyone thinks I’m such a bad guy” whines Vader, clearly depressed “but they have no idea what I had to put up with as a kid.”
“Ah, yes.” replies the bartender, who is used to the egotistical ramblings of Sith Lords, “If I recall your biography correctly, you were a slave who had to compete in deadly pod races and stuff.”
“It wasn’t that, so much….”
“Being separated from your mother at such a young age, then?”
“Being exposed to that retarded rabbit?”
The bartender stops talking as his trachea is suddenly crushed by an unseen force.
“Everyone called me Annie! I ask you… Annie! It’s enough to screw up any young boy, but there I was, destined for greatness, and they went and gave me a bloody girls’ name.”
The bartender ponders this for a moment, while he catches his breath. “It could have been worse, you know.”
“How could it possibly have been worse?”
“Your name’s Anakin, right?”
“So, among friends, it was always going to be either ‘Annie’ or ‘Kin’.”
“Kin! Yes! That’s great!” Enthuses Vader.
“Sure.” says the bartender “Right up until the point when you’re engaged in some sort of heroic struggle, you know the drill, and you hear the voice of your mentor drifting across space and time to tell you to employ your mystical Jedi powers…”
“I don’t see anything wrong with that.” says Vader, jumping up and yanking his helmet off. ” In fact, I’m heading back to the Death Star right now, to tell everyone that I shall be known as Kin from this point forward and the Death Star will be known as the Intergalactic GlitterBall of Fun and we will have dress-down Fridays and play charades every Sunday and it’ll be like totally awesome.”
The bartender watches as Vader, or Kin, flounces majestically out of the bar and, just before he leaves, calls out…
“Use the force Kin.”