The 2011 ‘films I didn’t see’ review
I watched a few films this year but there were lots more that I didn’t see because I’m so busy and important and sometimes just because I was facing the wrong way. I don’t see the point in reviewing the ones I watched because you should just watch them yourself. Or not. Whatever. In any case, here’s my review of the ones I didn’t see.
I was excited about Thor because I’ve always enjoyed watching ice melt. While I was disappointed by the lack of animals emerging from hibernation, it was the second best film featuring drippy lumps of ice I’ve ever seen. The best was Twilight.
Jane Eyre was a documentary about the famous British author of that name, who wrote the beloved classic Emily Bronte, which was recently turned into the hugely successful film Transformers.
X-Men: First Class was an eye-opening documentary about how easy it is to get an airline to upgrade you when you can make people’s nipples explode with the power of your mind.
Friends with Benefits was the long awaited sequel to Trainspotting. It was originally titled ‘Friends on Benefits’.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes had absolutely nothing at all to do with Morris dancing. I don’t know why I thought it would, but I was thoroughly disappointed.
Final Destination 5 was completely different to its four predecessors. A thoughtful biopic of the designer of the London Underground Map, it concluded with a series of still images of people unintentionally invading each other’s personal space, eventually fading to black with a voiceover reminding us that ‘all life is a journey… via Newbury Park’. Then everyone in it died. Gruesomely. In alphabetical order.
An hour into Puss in Boots, I got bored. After the cat had got it’s prescription filled, bought some laxatives and printed its holiday photos, the best was over. That said, I’ll definitely be watching the sequel ‘Puss in Superdrug’.
The Iron Lady is another sequel to Iron Man in which Tony Stark undergoes gender reassignment surgery before leading the Conservative Party to victory. It was one of my favourite films of the year despite the relative lack of dinosaurs.