Is it nearly Christmas?

Keeping all these New Year resolutions is taking rather more effort than I’d expected, so I’ve had to resort to eating a lot of high-energy foods, like chocolate and crisps, to keep my stamina up. While this bends the dieting resolution somewhat, there appears to be some flex around the strict definition of ‘salad’, on which I am consulting my solicitor. Unfortunately, my resolution to use fewer profanities in 2012 was put under some strain the moment I consulted the legal partnership of Bastard, Bastard and Shitfuck.

On the plus side, the smoking resolution is going pretty well. I’ve started on the nicotine replacement patches and gum – I’m up to twelve a day and expect to be chain smoking Marlboros by February.

The long term plan is also coming along nicely, with my mission to become a curmudgeonly old bugger progressing as well as can be expected at the age of thirty something and a half. It’s a difficult age really – old enough to be completely alienated by contemporary culture but not old enough to get a seat on the tube without feigning an injury (I find muttering ‘severely twisted testicle’ generally works, although, post festivities, the ‘baby on board’ badge is looking increasingly plausible).

Luckily, my other plan, to become a respected blogger who contributes only sensible, informative material to the internet is… oh sod it. What happened to the mince pies?


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

11 responses to “Is it nearly Christmas?”

  1. Sheena says :

    Okay so recently I was curious as to what a bugger was, I googled, it’s hilarious.

  2. Sheena says :

    Oh, and this was pretty funny, perhaps this is your year of blogging excellence.

  3. JamieRene says :

    I think I used to work for Bastard, Bastard & Shitfuck, except I believe they were “indicted for fraudulent… etc.” in the states. If this sounds like your guys, beware of the tall one…
    Also, on the curmudgeonly old bugger front – I have an antic for you. I have one of those living right next door in fact, and here’s a lesson in curmudgeonliness for you – he turns the water hose on kids that play in his yard. Helpful?
    Mince pies are delicious, and I love your blog. Enough, in fact, to add you to my blog roll. Happy new year and whatnot 😉

  4. Flannery says :

    I would almost think we’re related, except I’m American.

    Also, could we hear more about these mince pies? Mainly because I’m unfamiliar with them, but also because it’s lunchtime here, and I’m hungry.

    • Squid says :

      I actually have a little American in me (I say, Mr. DeVito!)
      Seriously though, I’m roughly an eighth American so I’m allowed to enjoy Oreos but I still have to spell colour and flavour properly. I think I can occasionally drive on the right, although this remains the subject of some dispute with the British legal system (you’re not the bosses of me, you imperialist bastards).
      Mince pies, more importantly, are superior to tripe or pickled whelks, on a par with a good toad in the hole but can’t compare with a good spotted dick.

  5. Rich Peddy says :

    B, B & S are very good, but rather pricey; recently I’ve opted for Dewey, Screwem and Howe for my litigator farm.

  6. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    That was HILARIOUS!

    Thanks for visiting my blog.

  7. Elyse says :

    I am afraid I couldn’t get beyond the title without screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. southerndysfunction says :

    OK, I don’t know if you can get a drug called Chantix (varenicline) on the NHS, but my GP just got me some here in Nashville and it is amazing. Much easier than stopping on patches, and the main side effect is that you have amazing dreams.

  9. thewhitetrashgourmet says :

    Alex – with all the Brit Lit I read in college I still try to sneak u’s into perfectly good words spelled with an “o” alone. You had me cracking up so badly with this one that the boyfriend almost dumped me and said I could “sod off” and go be with that European – however I said you were a Brit which is much closer to my Anglophile heart.



    PS – Keep the laughs coming – i get your gd British humour (see what I did there) and I absolutely love Dr Who and even my children understand the magic of The Flying Circus and often quote Mr. (Sir???) Cleese around the dinner table

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