Is it nearly Christmas?
Keeping all these New Year resolutions is taking rather more effort than I’d expected, so I’ve had to resort to eating a lot of high-energy foods, like chocolate and crisps, to keep my stamina up. While this bends the dieting resolution somewhat, there appears to be some flex around the strict definition of ‘salad’, on which I am consulting my solicitor. Unfortunately, my resolution to use fewer profanities in 2012 was put under some strain the moment I consulted the legal partnership of Bastard, Bastard and Shitfuck.
On the plus side, the smoking resolution is going pretty well. I’ve started on the nicotine replacement patches and gum – I’m up to twelve a day and expect to be chain smoking Marlboros by February.
The long term plan is also coming along nicely, with my mission to become a curmudgeonly old bugger progressing as well as can be expected at the age of thirty something and a half. It’s a difficult age really – old enough to be completely alienated by contemporary culture but not old enough to get a seat on the tube without feigning an injury (I find muttering ‘severely twisted testicle’ generally works, although, post festivities, the ‘baby on board’ badge is looking increasingly plausible).
Luckily, my other plan, to become a respected blogger who contributes only sensible, informative material to the internet is… oh sod it. What happened to the mince pies?