Premeditated Adipocide

Or should it be lipocide? Bit tricky this, blogging from the floor of the gym, waiting for my legs to return from wherever it is they’ve gone, wondering how much sweat I can lose before I turn into a stock cube.
On the plus side though, I’ve achieved my exercise goal for today. Eight hundred calories… killed! It helps me to think of calories anthropomorphically, so I can murder them like so many smurves (one smurf – many smurves).

Actually, while we’re being scientific, they’re kilocalories, so it was really eight hundred thousand smurves, which is almost a million.
I should get a medal. A chocolate one.

Now I’m back on the road to fitness (which passes through the village of pain and the small town of ‘what the hell was I thinking with all that cheese?’) I have become obsessed with such dietary nuances as the complexity of my carbohydrates. Sugar lumps look pretty complicated to me, all those tiny bits all glued together, so I’ll be eating handfuls of those until my trousers fit again.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

7 responses to “Premeditated Adipocide”

  1. Marytg66 says :

    I am in line for the magic pill when it hits the market. I will then go into pharmaceutical sales. Plan a trip to Costa Rico and sun bathe in a small bikini. Cha-Ching!

  2. Elyse says :

    Smurfs are cute little blue folks. You are cruel and evil for not only talking about killing Smurves but for thinking that a Smurf would be caught dead in a gym. There are laws against this sort of behavior, you know.

    But let me know if it works, cause I have a few extra pounds too.

  3. tootlepedal says :

    Get a bike and then you can lose weight and see the world without sweating buckets. Well done for killing the kilocalories before they kill you though.

  4. liquorstorebear says :

    Wearing pants is probably the crux of the problem. Once you go the pants-less route, you don’t have that waistband reminding you. It helps to be furry, though.

  5. jacheree says :

    HaHa! I have nothing witty to say. Only that… you make me laugh. A lot.

  6. ljshaffer says :

    Gym workouts are terrible things. It is no wonder you’ve been reduced to killing smurves. I’d recommend that you go outside, but you live in London. 🙂

  7. mccluskyjournals says :

    Reblogged this on The McClusky Journals and commented:
    This was written by a very wise man. I ‘Follow’ his blog regularly and feel a strong kinship with him since discovering our like opinions on Smurves. Enjoy!

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