Preemptive Review: Films I haven’t seen yet
As a discerning cinemagoer and pick-n-mix gormet, I like to plan my sugar highs well in advance. To this end, I have compiled the following review of films I haven’t seen yet.
‘Underworld: Awakening’ is the seven hundredth installment in the series. Having exhausted all other aspects of vampire behaviour, it focuses on the morning rituals of the undead. As vampires neither shit nor shave, it’s essentially two hours of latex-costumed flossing. Basically dentist porn.
The bathroom theme is echoed in ‘Batman: The Dark Knight Rises’ in which millionaire Bruce Wayne is forced to get out of bed for a pee, just half an hour before he has to get up, after putting it off for the preceding three hours. This annoys him so much that he has to dress in black rubber and beat up the mentally ill until he fells better.
‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence’ is based on the life of an English novelist who writes autobiographies on behalf of famous Hollywood stars. His misunderstanding of American accents lead to numerous errors in his text and he descends into furious alcoholism.
‘I am Bruce Lee’ defies expectations, not only by being the only film of 2012 without a colon in the title, but as a life-affirming biopic of Yorkshire glass blower Bruce ‘No Lips’ Lee, who, despite suffering since childhood from chronic hiccups, became the most prolific creator of crap glass animals in history.
‘Star Wars Episode 1 – 3D’ extends the 2D film’s theme of dual Disappointment (CGI proves to be a rubbish substitute for muppets and a thoroughly unfavourable Gungun to Ewok ratio) by adding a third Disappointment (it’s still the same, lousy film).
‘Rise of the Guardians’ charts the increasing divorce rate and consequent trend toward step-parents looking after children. Funded by the Daily Mail newspaper, it’s tag line is ‘Traditional family values: how their decline killed Diana’
Dr Seuss’ The Lorax is not appealing in the least, not even with a popcorn feast. Its storyline, I hate to say, does not convince in any way.