Cookery for gentlemen

An omelette:

Find a box of eggs with some eggs in it. Penetrate shell of one egg and regard with suspicion. If eyes water, buy new eggs. Otherwise, smash eggs into a bowl. Chuck milk over them as though they were Cheerios. Fuck up the eggs with a spork until mixture reaches the consistency of runny snot. Open all of your cupboards until you find small, glass jars filled with what looks like old, dry cannabis. These are herbs. Chuck contents of jars at snot mixture. Squirt Tabasco at mixture, to taste or to prove masculine credentials.
Place pan on stove and turn gas knob on full. Realise sparky clicker hasn’t worked for over five years. Fumble around with lighter. Burn hair off hand and scream like a small girl. Collapse on the floor laughing at having screamed like a small girl. Repeat previous four steps until boredom or hunger prevail over pyromania. Continue fucking up the mixture with spork until it begins to solidify. Stand back, awestruck, observing the miracle of creation, as an omelette is formed from snot mixture. Ruminate on whether omelette might be French for hot snot and resolve to google it later. Inspired by recent miracle, attempt to flip omelette, a la competent chef. Lift omelette off floor and consider running it under tap. Hear ethereal voice of significant, female other in head. Feed omelette to nearby dog. Find a box of eggs with some eggs in it…

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

35 responses to “Cookery for gentlemen”

  1. OyiaBrown says :

    That’s how it always is.

  2. artjen1971 says :

    You are very funny–I liked the screaming like a little girl and then collapsing in laughter over your girly reaction to fire.

  3. sparkyleegeek says :

    I totally laughed out loud! Good one lol

  4. Thestrugglershandbook says :

    Nice. I will buy your next cookbook.

  5. Don in Massachusetts says :

    Reblogged this on Don in Massachusetts and commented:
    Good humorous post.

  6. Elyse says :

    I do believe I have found my son’s missing twin.

  7. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    That ‘s too funnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

  8. Sarchasm2 says :

    Naked Chef has nothing on you. 🙂

  9. ottabelle says :

    You gave me a laugh when I needed it badly. You shall be followed.

  10. spill71 says :

    Love it! Sooo funny!

  11. Eideard says :

    You must start with onions. Everything starts with onions.

  12. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown says :

    I’ve only been able to flip a al a competent chef ONCE. And I probably would’ve just picked off the dog hairs afterwards.

  13. journeymantojo says :

    Very excellent. Culinary masterpiece. Followed recipe but noticed you forgot a step.

    “Rummage through fridge for items that look like they need to be chopped up. Smell, after regaining consciousness, toss items that caused faint. Begin chopping items into smaller bits. Begin entertaining the idea that you are Mario Batali. Now toss all chopped items that are covered in blood. Find Band-aid and administer first aid. Proceed to herbs stage.”

    • Squid says :

      Thanks for the addition, although I am of the opinion that a dash of O negative adds much needed colour, as well as offering further proof of manliness.

  14. TheGhostLife says :

    You had me at f*ck them up with a spork. Following your blog now. You’re not right…and that’s alright by me…cause I ain’t right either.

  15. Sherry says :

    This crap has got to end. I cannot possibly add another blog to my reader that I “Must” read. But I have. I am addicted with one post. You are hysterical.

  16. cooper says :

    THAT’s what I’ve been doing wrong…I don’t have a dog….

  17. AlphaEN says :

    That was so ridiculously hysterical I just had to share it on Twitter…

  18. Bunk Strutts says :

    You clipped off the one last word that shows up in all pissant recipes: ENJOY.

  19. Sheila T Illustrated says :

    lmao so much I can’t type straight!

  20. Sheila T Illustrated says :

    addendum: I also have clicked “like” on this one. and if you had star ratings, I would give it a big high five for excellent!

  21. edrevets says :

    But what does a gentleman wear as he omelette-s? I imagine a towel and loafers.

    • Squid says :

      The towel and loafer combination would technically require a top hat and silver-topped cane for the optimal gentlemanly balance. For beginners, I recommend a simple robe and fez arrangement. Alternatively, a fine moustache and a twinkle in the eye will always be enough.

  22. totsymae1011 says :

    Okay. I’m done with eating eggs.

  23. ashazenzi says :

    why am i eating a scrambled egg as i read this? thanks for the snot reference–NOT! lol!! great post!

  24. cynthiarmstrongblog says :

    How did you find out my husband’s cooking secrets??

  25. Deina Zartman says :

    I don’t believe I’ll ever eat omelets again… thanks for that 🙂

  26. Nancy Smith says :

    God….you are hilarious! Great post!

  27. Scriptor Obscura says :

    Hah! I loved this one! It made me smile and laugh. Thank you so much.

  28. kimastall says :

    Hot snot is morve chaud in French! I thought I’d Google it for you, as you’d be much too busy buying fresh eggs and a new spork (you left the last one in the pan while you were ruminating)!

  29. Virginia Proud says :

    I want the cookbook! Nice post, I like your style 🙂

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