Cookery for gentlemen
Find a box of eggs with some eggs in it. Penetrate shell of one egg and regard with suspicion. If eyes water, buy new eggs. Otherwise, smash eggs into a bowl. Chuck milk over them as though they were Cheerios. Fuck up the eggs with a spork until mixture reaches the consistency of runny snot. Open all of your cupboards until you find small, glass jars filled with what looks like old, dry cannabis. These are herbs. Chuck contents of jars at snot mixture. Squirt Tabasco at mixture, to taste or to prove masculine credentials.
Place pan on stove and turn gas knob on full. Realise sparky clicker hasn’t worked for over five years. Fumble around with lighter. Burn hair off hand and scream like a small girl. Collapse on the floor laughing at having screamed like a small girl. Repeat previous four steps until boredom or hunger prevail over pyromania. Continue fucking up the mixture with spork until it begins to solidify. Stand back, awestruck, observing the miracle of creation, as an omelette is formed from snot mixture. Ruminate on whether omelette might be French for hot snot and resolve to google it later. Inspired by recent miracle, attempt to flip omelette, a la competent chef. Lift omelette off floor and consider running it under tap. Hear ethereal voice of significant, female other in head. Feed omelette to nearby dog. Find a box of eggs with some eggs in it…