Cleaning for gentlemen

1. Regard dwelling with satisfaction, noting superior collection of blu-rays/books/empty vodka bottles.
2. Receive verbal instructions from Significant Female.
3. Drop half-eaten sandwich on floor and regard significant female with affectionate disbelief.
4. Attempt to paraphrase Quentin Crisp on dust not getting any worse after three years.
5. Attempt to apologise for flippant attitude to health of Significant Female, and/or Significant Young People.
6. Realise vacuum cleaner is effectively
a power tool.
7. Attach hose extension and realise vacuum cleaner is also a light sabre.
8. Vacuum bottom ten inches of curtains, own face and entire roll of toilet tissue.
9. Congratulate self on being Master of All He Surveys.
10. Noting imminent return of Significant Female: vacuum house like a crazy bastard. Relegate three fifths of collected crap to loft/garage/shed/high cupboard that Significant Female can’t reach.
11. Congratulate self on Modern Gentleman status.
12. Finish sandwich.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

25 responses to “Cleaning for gentlemen”

  1. halejj says :

    Ahh the cupboard we can’t reach. I know it well…or know of it. I have no idea what it contains.

  2. Rebekah says :

    …haha…which is exactly why our Division of Labor Contract excludes my husband from cleaning! I heap my expectations of him into other categories. I call it damage control ;0)

  3. Shivani says :

    Thanks for the laughs. You have some really cool stuff going on here 🙂

  4. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    The sandwich got me. Did you rinse it off, rub it on your lap or vacuum it before you ate it?

  5. Bethylicious says :

    It’s terrifying how completely accurate this is. I’m scared to go up to our attic. Only God knows what may be hiding up there…

  6. Sherry says :

    Are you channeling my husband or what?

  7. gabrielgarbowota says :

    I was relieved to find out that no sandwiches were wasted in the completing of this task.

  8. Sarchasm2 says :

    Sounds familiar. I’m still trying to find out how mine can reach the cupboard she shouldn’t be able to.

  9. Sheer Chaos says :

    Interesting take on the simple task of vacuming. It shall be wonderful to hear your take on the female doing a male-task. Will be Staying Tuned in for such a post-post

  10. Aurora, HSP says :

    You are a funny read! Thanks for the giggles 🙂

  11. Jennifer says :

    V. funny. Relieved you finished the sandwich. Got to keep up your strength there.

  12. Tracy says :

    you are so funny!

  13. linhah says :

    Oh yeah, I know who you are now.

  14. joem18b says :

    our feather duster has been relegated to the boudoir.

  15. murphyjoel says :

    You’re satisfied with an empty vodka bottle?

  16. mrtinney says :

    I accidentally hit the follow button. Ok – I did it on purpose. Maybe.
    Great blog.

  17. dysfunctional unit says :

    Nice post-Yes significant females can be annoying-but without them we’d be sittin round in our boxers, playin video games with crumbs all over our laps and…oh wait maybe that doesn’t sound so bad.
    Another excellent funny post

  18. georgie lorimer says :

    Oh, the delights of high cupboards and shelves (particularly when it comes to whisky bottles). Marvellous whatnotings.

  19. Belle of Mountains says :

    Oh my….I laughed so hard on that one you don’t want to know what happened to me…

      • Belle of Mountains says :

        You DO want to know? Yegads, what a sick sense of humour you have, fine fellow. 😉

        Alright; I laughed so hard I accidentally dropped my cuckoo clock on my lab rats, who broke free of their cages and began running around like mad. Unfortunately I was entertaining the Granny Fire Brigade in my laboratory that day, and the rats tried to climb up their skirts and they began screaming and running around as well. One of them fell against the fire alarm and the water sprinklers in the ceiling went off. My office turned into a swimming pool. I made the best of it. I turned it into a pool party.

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