Alternative Processes: Shopping

Process 1 (Hers):

  • Identify shops most likely to elicit spontaneous bouncing and rapid hand-clapping
  • Identify shops that “only cater to malnourished fifteen year olds”. Do not cross these off list
  • Order list in reverse proximity to home (because you might as well pop in, as you’re passing anyway)
  • Try three hundred garments, rejecting two hundred and ninety eight of them on the basis that they can be made to fit Part A or Part B, but never both at once
  • Briefly contemplate invasive surgery on Part B. Swiftly regain sanity
  • Buy two jumpers
  • Take one back

Process 2 (His):

  • Grudgingly accept that favourite jumper has seen better days – all of which were at least a decade ago – most of which were before the left sleeve started coming off
  • Agree to accompany Significant Female to retail outlets for the purpose of jumper replacement
  • On entering retail outlet, grunt at overexcited salesbuffoon while wondering whether he’s your size. Seriously consider robbing him for his jumper to avoid having to try things on
  • Unconsciously guided by store layout, discover overpriced cashmere jumper section
  • Feel heightened perception as pupils spontaneously dilate. Clap hands rapidly, a la demented sea lion
  • Consult with salesperson, nodding at the excellent points he makes regarding the false economy of cheap clothing
  • Buy three jumpers and a stylish hat that makes you look very like George Clooney would, if he wore a stylish hat
  • Never wear stylish hat


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

15 responses to “Alternative Processes: Shopping”

  1. Sarchasm2 says :

    Sounds familiar. No wonder I hate shopping

  2. Rob Rubin says :

    As an American, you lost me at “jumper”.

    • Squid says :

      Transatlantic footnotes are probably a good idea:
      Jumper – Sweater
      Arse – Ass
      Bollocks – Testicles
      Bollocks – Lies
      Bollocks – Nonsense
      Bollocks – Dammit!

      • Kitchen Slattern says :

        Nevermind the bollocks, here’s a better plan: Shop online (you can drink while doing so and it makes no difference that you’re sitting around in your underwear) or just give up and have your wife buy everything. Under this system my husband has spent a total of about 40 minutes in department stores over the past 20 years. I work within a very simple set of parameters: no patterns (except on ties), colors only found in military uniforms or work release clothing, buy everything a size bigger that necessary.

        Very funny post. Thanks!

      • Clip Snark says :

        While the footnotes are helpful…I prefer what I imagined at first read. 🙂

        I’m glad you stopped by Clip Snark! Looking forward to reading more of your posts.

  3. Elyse says :

    Can I please enroll as a cross-gender shopper? I hate it too.

  4. aquatella says :

    Perspective from a (male) friend of mine:

    Day 1: Buy a jumper.
    After 2 years: Looks great on you.
    After 5 years: Wear a jumper because it have become very comfortable.
    After 10 years: Still wear it because now it has emotional value.
    After 15 years: Yeah, it has seen better days but you will keep it just in case.
    After 20 years: Well, you can still wear it while you are fixing your car.
    After 25 years: You can`t just throw it, so you use it as a cloth while cleaning.
    After 30 years: No and no! You will keep it in case of a war or some other manly thing so that you can use it as a torch and lead your men to freedom!

    Now, try to argue with the man….

  5. Gloria Zhu says :

    I feel like I can relate to both the female and the male perspectives. On really horrific days though, I have definitely gone into a store, been in there for 3+ hours and then bought two things after three trips to the fitting room. Meh.

  6. Cafe23 says :

    Hahaha omg this is hilarious and I love your blog altogether!
    I despise shopping, so I’m gonna have to insert myself into Process 2 =P

  7. Debra Colby-Conklin says :

    What? You mean men really do shop? For themselves? Wow, I’ll have to forward this blog to my husband. He’s worn the same “jumper” for the last 15 years, despite the fact that he looks like the rotund little boy in a striped shirt from Alice in Wonderland. Great blog! Funny stuff!

  8. Rowland Jones says :

    Ah! the hat dilemma – I love hats

    Unfortunately the hat that I think will make me look like Robert de Niro in Ronin— shows up in a mirror more like Andy Capp.

    The wildly expensive fedora which should make me Capone-like in my presence & charisma– actually makes me look like a refugee from a wild west re-enactment

    See what I mean

  9. Cheryl Pratt Murman says :

    Dude, seriously? Why would you Not wear the hat. The hat was the best part of shopping, no one ‘goes out to buy a hat’ a hat is an impulse buy, a special treat (better for you than a brownie or a cookie but not as good as a latte) for not spending anywhere near as much as you could have.
    Seriously, trust me, wear the hat. It makes you look thinner.

  10. attemptedblog says :

    So, so true for “hers.” In my experience the shopping trip is usually destined to end with a full-on Department Store Meltdown. A (cartoon) essay on the subject can be found here:

  11. dan4kent says :

    You’ve confirmed my hatred of hats! More importantly, you’ve been able to succinctly diagram the social sacrifice of shopping as so much more than a party sport for the timid. Keep scowling!

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