Popular vampires

Dear popular vampires

You are terrible vampires. No offence, but you’re a disgrace. Real vampires are all like “Raaargh!” with really good coats. They don’t sparkle and they certainly don’t knock up vulnerable teenagers, unless it’s all part of a ploy to make them taste better for the inevitable “Raaargh!”.

You see? Eating vulnerable teenagers = good vampire. Getting them pregnant = creepy vampire.

I don’t care if you are the living dead. Just try to have a bit of class about it. Kay? Kay.

All the best for your future endeavours.



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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

28 responses to “Popular vampires”

  1. jasondegray says :

    The creepy vampire phenomenon is plaguing popular culture right now. It’s part of the rising Emo Horror movement.

  2. Noelle Campbell says :

    I still don’t understand how the living dead reproduce. Maybe the wolf knocked her up while she was dreaming of the vampire.

  3. tearoomdelights says :

    Quite right, about time somebody told them what’s what.

  4. Cafe23 says :

    Hahaha sorry totally off topic, but I love the “I’ve visited my own blog…” title for your page hits LOL.

  5. Katie says :

    I TOTALLY agree! Shiny vampires? Give me a break! I want to see them explode in the sunlight — none of this silly sparkle stuff!

  6. mrtinney says :

    … and don’t get me started on werewolves… geesh

  7. Julian Greigh says :

    Answer: They are the fae pretending to be vampires, because it’s more sexy. Imagine if he said “I sparkle in the sun because I’m a fairy.” Though closer to the mark, it just wouldn’t get him laid. (or sell very many books, I might add)

  8. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    But think of all the money that’s rolled in. Who would have thunk?

  9. Bethylicious says :

    I actually get into vampires, but that sparkling thing doesn’t do it for me either. This post was funny 🙂

  10. Matthew says :

    Hipster Keifer Sutherland played a vampire….before it was popular.

  11. artjen1971 says :

    So I know that you are totally Freshly Pressed and probably way to cool for school, but I love your blog so much that when I was nominated for the Liebster Blogger award, I had to select your blog to pass on the good karma. I love what you write, and lord knows, we need all the publicity we can get, so enjoy!!! Thanks for being so damn


  12. thefutureofhope says :

    Asking a Vampire to stay classy… Vincent Price would hug you.

  13. Madame de Pique says :

    don’t forget to mention he’s a 100 year old virgin, which i think is even creepier than knocking up a life-drained boring teenager… not even grandpa remained single that long! this tells a lot about our dear edward…

  14. fromscratchhome says :

    O.k. I’m officially hooked. Signing-up as a follower!
    So crazy, unexpected, and hilarious. Thanks for writing and sharing

  15. AlphaEN says :

    As a sort-of-well-familiar-with-vampires fanfic writer let me just say – spot on! For a self-respecting vampire, sparkling, reproducing, and drinking animal blood is twisted if not worse. As far as teenagers are concerned – stalking is not romantic, it’s creepy. Don’t fall for it. Thanks for the post.

  16. mackerelskies says :

    My friend and I have an understanding. We both love vampires, but we never discuss vampires, because she loves post-Rice vampires, and I love pre-Rice vampires.

  17. bacchus713 says :

    Where are the “Lost Boys” when you need em?

  18. Tilly Bud says :

    They’re vampire-lite for people like me, who can’t watch or read scary vampires.

  19. edrevets says :

    Look, I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Chances are you’ve already gotten this before so I expect nothing from you.

    I also can’t decide which is worse: getting killed or knocked up by a vampire.


    Stay damp.

  20. Rock Salt says :

    ‘All the best for your future endeavours’ = juice almost coming out of my nose. But in a good way. Probably it was only good because it was only almost, mind you, but there you have it.

  21. bmj2k says :

    Nicely put. I hate teen-angsty vampires.

  22. ohnicolajoy says :

    There is something lurking out there that I find even more creepy than the heartthrob teen goth/metal/emo/new romantic/grungy vampire (dependant on the film and decade).
    It is the fully grown adults in real life who skulk around in cheesy historically dubious velvet clothing, believing that they too are vampires and that you are scared of them. Lots of them in IT and science. Shudder.
    Same goes for Harry Potter fans who aren’t children.

  23. Fanny says :

    hahah, true..

  24. Nitty Gritty Dirt Man says :

    First, thanks fr visiting my blog. Second, amen! I prefer my vampires the old-fashioned way — nocturnal, hungry, vicious, and afraid of garlic and sunshine. None of this daylight, romance, high school, bayou stuff.

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