Popular vampires
Dear popular vampires
You are terrible vampires. No offence, but you’re a disgrace. Real vampires are all like “Raaargh!” with really good coats. They don’t sparkle and they certainly don’t knock up vulnerable teenagers, unless it’s all part of a ploy to make them taste better for the inevitable “Raaargh!”.
You see? Eating vulnerable teenagers = good vampire. Getting them pregnant = creepy vampire.
I don’t care if you are the living dead. Just try to have a bit of class about it. Kay? Kay.
All the best for your future endeavours.
Alex
28 responses to “Popular vampires”
Leave a reply to Bethylicious Cancel reply
Dampsquid is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License - nonsense demands to be free! (but it's always nice to be referenced).
dampsquid 
The creepy vampire phenomenon is plaguing popular culture right now. It’s part of the rising Emo Horror movement.
I’m no Emo, but in their defence no Emo vampire would ever be caught dead (har har) sparkling.
I still don’t understand how the living dead reproduce. Maybe the wolf knocked her up while she was dreaming of the vampire.
Quite right, about time somebody told them what’s what.
Hahaha sorry totally off topic, but I love the “I’ve visited my own blog…” title for your page hits LOL.
I TOTALLY agree! Shiny vampires? Give me a break! I want to see them explode in the sunlight — none of this silly sparkle stuff!
… and don’t get me started on werewolves… geesh
so true
Answer: They are the fae pretending to be vampires, because it’s more sexy. Imagine if he said “I sparkle in the sun because I’m a fairy.” Though closer to the mark, it just wouldn’t get him laid. (or sell very many books, I might add)
But think of all the money that’s rolled in. Who would have thunk?
I actually get into vampires, but that sparkling thing doesn’t do it for me either. This post was funny 🙂
Hipster Keifer Sutherland played a vampire….before it was popular.
So I know that you are totally Freshly Pressed and probably way to cool for school, but I love your blog so much that when I was nominated for the Liebster Blogger award, I had to select your blog to pass on the good karma. I love what you write, and lord knows, we need all the publicity we can get, so enjoy!!! Thanks for being so damn
http://thedonovanboys.wordpress.com/liebster-blog-award/leibster-blogger-award-part-deux-wow-you-really-love-me/funny!
Asking a Vampire to stay classy… Vincent Price would hug you.
Love it!!!
don’t forget to mention he’s a 100 year old virgin, which i think is even creepier than knocking up a life-drained boring teenager… not even grandpa remained single that long! this tells a lot about our dear edward…
O.k. I’m officially hooked. Signing-up as a follower!
So crazy, unexpected, and hilarious. Thanks for writing and sharing
As a sort-of-well-familiar-with-vampires fanfic writer let me just say – spot on! For a self-respecting vampire, sparkling, reproducing, and drinking animal blood is twisted if not worse. As far as teenagers are concerned – stalking is not romantic, it’s creepy. Don’t fall for it. Thanks for the post.
My friend and I have an understanding. We both love vampires, but we never discuss vampires, because she loves post-Rice vampires, and I love pre-Rice vampires.
Where are the “Lost Boys” when you need em?
They’re vampire-lite for people like me, who can’t watch or read scary vampires.
Look, I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Chances are you’ve already gotten this before so I expect nothing from you.
I also can’t decide which is worse: getting killed or knocked up by a vampire.
Stay damp.
Many thousands of thanks. May a million overexcited visitors read your blog every hour, each choking on their tea just a little bit, exactly the way I do whenever I dip into your most excellent snot: http://drevets.com/
‘All the best for your future endeavours’ = juice almost coming out of my nose. But in a good way. Probably it was only good because it was only almost, mind you, but there you have it.
Nicely put. I hate teen-angsty vampires.
There is something lurking out there that I find even more creepy than the heartthrob teen goth/metal/emo/new romantic/grungy vampire (dependant on the film and decade).
It is the fully grown adults in real life who skulk around in cheesy historically dubious velvet clothing, believing that they too are vampires and that you are scared of them. Lots of them in IT and science. Shudder.
Same goes for Harry Potter fans who aren’t children.
hahah, true..
First, thanks fr visiting my blog. Second, amen! I prefer my vampires the old-fashioned way — nocturnal, hungry, vicious, and afraid of garlic and sunshine. None of this daylight, romance, high school, bayou stuff.