Buttons (probably part 1)

Buttons are great fun until you accidentally press the one that makes your legs explode. It pays to know your buttons. I’ve done the research:

Ctrl C – Ctrl V makes the myriad intellectual wonders of the interwebs appear on your page. Also works for pictures of hippopotami.

Ctrl Z coaxes your heart out of your throat after you accidently replace your entire thesis (Ethnomusicological implications of jungle-dubstep-house fusion in the 21st century) with a hippopotamus

Ctrl-Alt-Delete… Ejector seat!

The 26 buttons with the alphabetical symbols can by pressed sequentially to produce the complete works of Shakespeare. More often, the sequence results in “lol I pwn you!!!” or similar.

For most of us, the row of buttons at the top of the keyboard is too powerful to control, even with the Ctrl button, which is why they are labelled F – for fear. They do different things, depending on what you’re up to at the time. Which means they know what you’re thinking. They probably don’t approve.

Under normal circumstances, F1 will summon help. This is why mountaineers always carry an F1 button. Pressing Shift and F1 might make a race-car appear, so you should only do it if you have room.

Every time you press F2, a fairy dies. Don’t let me stop you – just saying.

I haven’t figured out what F3 does but I think that if you press it enough times, it makes a rainbow of unadulterated joy shoot out of your screen, transforming everything around you into a sparkly wonderland of singing baby unicorns and cheesecake. It just seems logical.

F4 is known in serious technoguru circles as the necromancy button. It gathers all the skin and hair that collects between the keys and turns it into a tiny, zombie cat (called Curtis). All software developers have at least one of these to fill in their timesheets and to attack anyone who criticises their choice of font.

I’m afraid I’ll have to finish this later. It’s time to feed the dog. To Curtis.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

41 responses to “Buttons (probably part 1)”

  1. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    That’s hilarious. Nice approach.

  2. thefutureofhope says :

    Now I know why my boys are constantly walking around clapping their dang hands! I need to stop pushing F2!

  3. Girl Loves Zombie says :

    I would really enjoy a Curtis for myself but the destroyer, my brother+can of compressed air, just want to shatter my dreams, hence denying me from my true fate.

  4. cruz2lose says :

    It all makes sense now!

  5. David A. Hemsley says :

    Wow, relief is at hand! Thank you, dampsquid; I can see the fog that always hovers over my top row gradually starting to clear… or some of it anyway.

    Now, with a little luck, I’ll soon know which button to push the next time an object on or near my desk decides it’s time to play a practical joke by landing on my keyboard when I’m least expecting it.

    And with even more luck, I’ll soon have enough understanding to dare throw all caution to the wind and finally venturing into that corner of the playground where that elite clique of button-pushers hang out.

  6. Lyssapants says :

    I do believe that somebody owes me a great many baby unicorns covered in cheesecake. I hold you personally responsible.

  7. mrtinney says :

    …now afraid to press f5 until you finish…

  8. dysfunctional unit says :

    F-for fantastic-lmao. Another great post

  9. Thestrugglershandbook says :

    Great. Now I’m afraid to push any buttons.

  10. Jay Decluney says :

    Don’t forget the manipulafier of the ALT button. Combine that with your F4 and you initiate the immediate self destruct sequence. Save your work first, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  11. glassandtheghostmonkey says :

    And F5 is the coveted refresh button.

  12. fromlifeidletolifefantastic says :

    I wish Ctrl + Alt + Del would’ve worked on the guy in the bar last night; he needed an ejector seat every time he opened his mouth and something totally unintelligent and barbaric flew in my direction. Awesome post yet again!

    • Squid says :

      Sometimes it takes the whole keyboard and a really good aim…

      • fromlifeidletolifefantastic says :

        Haha. I would have thrown a whole keyboard had I had one as I have the really good aim under control. I settled for witty comebacks that probably confused him and have been inspired to write a blog this week about cheesy pick up lines. I will have to let my creative side handle it.

  13. sparkyleegeek says :

    Your posts tear me up with laughter of the giggly kind! ha

  14. amberdover says :

    LOL love it! I think I’ve killed too many fairies! Thanks for stopping by my blog 🙂

  15. Lee and Rod says :

    Absolutely hilarious! I can hardly wait for part 2!!!

  16. lightswimming says :

    love it – I could do with a few more baby unicorns *F3*F3*F3*

  17. edrevets says :

    F11 makes a huge burrito appear, but you can only eat it using the F12 key.

  18. susannecollier says :

    Ah!!! Makes sense now. Could you just explain the remote for me….gotta get some chocolate now I’ve read the word ‘buttons’.

  19. susannecollier says :

    Reblogged this on susannecollier and commented:
    This explains everything…

  20. Cynthianne says :

    You just overloaded my “giggle like an idiot” button! Well done!

  21. Ape No. 1 says :

    I am so smashing my F4 key until Curtis arrives. Damn funny.

  22. bacchus713 says :

    I’ve always wanted a zombie cat…

  23. thesnideside says :

    my keyboard makes me feel inept… can’t wait to read abt “command”, “alt” and for us mac users “fn”… hv a feeling that one fires missiles sumwhr under the sea. awesome post! tweeting it now!

  24. ellisl88 says :

    loving this!! thanks for the laugh!

  25. Intentionally Poor says :

    People around me always ask me to fix their computer if somethings gone wrong, just because I know how to convert a word document. However, even though I’m obviously the reincarnation of Microsoft Gandalf, those F buttons always confused me. I only know that F5 fixes youtube videos and F10 stops audio in a program called Burli (which accidentally is also the name of a Bavarian song about a deformed radiation child…)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKXHkAR3dEM (in case you’re curious…)

    Anyway, I look forward to more of your posts!

  26. Honjii says :

    Don’t worry about space, pressing shift F1 only makes a very small model race car appear. The downside is it immediately drives along all of your F keys causing complete havoc.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

  27. Simon says :

    Brilliant, especially Curtis. Great stuff!

  28. Air Cooled Underware says :

    Reblogged this on Air Cooled Underware and commented:
    I love it. I will be back for more worldy insite

  29. phdinseagalogy says :

    I cannot tell you how happy I am to see that someone else recognizes the anthropological importance of Dschungeldubschritthaus! But so far it’s just you, me, and a few lonely German academics. Let’s organize a conference!

  30. Casey Marriott says :

    Hahahahahahahahaha is all I’m saying.

  31. Denise says :


  32. Denise says :

    For many years I have wanted the power to use Ctrl F in real life. Every time I lose something, I am astounded that this is not yet possible in these times.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Grab a Broom and Get to Work | A Feather Adrift - February 6, 2012
  2. Buttons (part 2) « dampsquid - February 28, 2012

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