Acting out

Dear Hollywood

Can I please come and be a movie star? I’m free on Tuesday and I’m already in 3D, so you’d save some money there.

I’ve studied all the great performances and compare my acting style to that of Lassie, although I rarely drink out of the toilet. I’m so good at improvisation I often forget who I really am. As ‘First Flying Monkey’ in a junior school production of The Wizard of Oz, I became so absorbed in the role that the Fire Brigade were summoned to get me out of a nearby tree.

I know that movie stars are judged by the number of tickets they sell at the box office but I’ve never actually worked at a box office so I might need to watch a training video. Actually, I did sell raffle tickets for the village fair once, so you don’t need to worry. I will happily do my own stunts and can bring my own banana skin as long as you give me a replacement banana at lunchtime. When my films are enormously successful I will want the option to buy the DVDs at three for ten pounds.

See you on Tuesday.



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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

18 responses to “Acting out”

  1. timmy says :

    How brilliant!! hhaha

  2. mrtinney says :

    Outstanding. I will watch your films and can also work the box office to lend a hand. You May not want my help as, sadly, I am only 2D…

  3. artjen1971 says :

    God, you’re hilarious! Love the take on selling box office tickets.

  4. Honjii says :

    movie stars are judged by the number of tickets they sell at the box office

    I think these days movie stars are judged more by the number of tickets they receive for driving under the least in the U.S.

  5. Bethylicious says :

    Your credentials are nothing short of amazing 😉

  6. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    Love the approach. FUN-N-nnee!

  7. cooper says :

    how could they resist an offer like that??

  8. Elyse says :

    I’d hire you.

  9. Matthew says :

    I talked to Hollywood, and they said you need a wisecracking minority sidekick before they will hire you. And also to practice your dance moves, because you will need them in the dance-off to save the rec center.

  10. Katie says :

    Ahh – but the big question is how do you look on the Red Carpet — if the answer is scruffy, unbathed, unshaved and disheveled — then you have definite star qualities! Apparently this is a ‘must-have’ for all leading men!

  11. Sarah says :

    You never know if you don’t ask! Come be an extra!

  12. mac says :

    What a priceless article. Your material is pure gold.

  13. Snoring Dog Studio says :

    Brilliant and brilliantly hilarious! I want to hire you to write my resume. Or, be my PR person.

  14. mattymillard says :

    haha nice work matey – very funny! thanks for “liking” my comedy novel “In That Other Dimension” too! Glad you enjoyed it!

  15. sarsm says :

    Funny man. One to watch…

  16. Kris Kennedy says :

    very funny…i think you have a wonderful sense of humor…love it

  17. Justin says :

    You appear to be more qualified than most of Hollywood. Congratulations!

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