Acting out

Dear Hollywood

Can I please come and be a movie star? I’m free on Tuesday and I’m already in 3D, so you’d save some money there.

I’ve studied all the great performances and compare my acting style to that of Lassie, although I rarely drink out of the toilet. I’m so good at improvisation I often forget who I really am. As ‘First Flying Monkey’ in a junior school production of The Wizard of Oz, I became so absorbed in the role that the Fire Brigade were summoned to get me out of a nearby tree.

I know that movie stars are judged by the number of tickets they sell at the box office but I’ve never actually worked at a box office so I might need to watch a training video. Actually, I did sell raffle tickets for the village fair once, so you don’t need to worry. I will happily do my own stunts and can bring my own banana skin as long as you give me a replacement banana at lunchtime. When my films are enormously successful I will want the option to buy the DVDs at three for ten pounds.

See you on Tuesday.

Alex