Legitimate concerns

Anxiety is like chasing one-legged vampires – You spend all night frantically going round in circles and in the morning you realise the problem doesn’t even exist.

You know what it’s like, trying to get to sleep when you start wondering if your eyebrows are going to fly up your nose and suffocate you during the night? Nobody knows exactly how many deaths have been caused that way, because the eyebrows have always crawled back by morning. Sneaky little bastards.

Then I start worrying that we’ll run out of internet. Has anyone done a report about that? Someone really should. I bet if someone had done a report about 8-tracks or velociraptors or druids, then we wouldn’t have run out so quickly and we might still have enough to go around. We’d probably have to ration the velociraptors to one per family, but at least we could race them on weekends.

I’m also concerned about the atmosphere blowing away, what with the Earth zooming around in space the way it does. I’ve been practicing holding my breath and I’m up to three minutes, so I should have time to get indoors when it happens.

And what if the blogosphere collapses and all of these posts go flying around with no webbing to restrain them? We’ll all just be walking around the shops, minding our own business, when a huge swarm of viral memes comes and carries off our children. We need to stop creating memes, people! Think of the children!

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

25 responses to “Legitimate concerns”

  1. Nurture Self 365 Project says :

    Ha! I’ve had nights like that . . .

  2. ellisl88 says :

    I know what you mean…really I do. For me it’s the terror of finding that chocolate is suddenly one day inexplicably banned. Or that those people who chew gum incessantly on trains gain superhuman jaw strength from doing so and eat the rest of us alive. Or that (new one this) a lurking brown dwarf planet will suddenly lessen earth’s gravity so we all have to be twice as gymnastic just to stay fixed to the surface of the earth. Or that maybe the farm animals will rebel and march on our homes or….you get the drift. Great post – keep it up!

  3. Kitchen Slattern says :

    And here I’ve been worrying about spontaneous combustion all these years. A real eye opener. Thanks!

  4. Technospunky says :

    you so crack me up, Thank You for your post. ~TS

  5. Justin says :

    You know, I was considering going outside today. Now I think I’ll just stay right here.
    We have to protect the children…

  6. juwannadoright says :

    So you’re saying there are no one-legged vampires? Whew. That’s a relief. One less thing for me to worry about.

  7. Sherry says :

    You have a beautiful mind. Do you take drugs to help you reach these high levels of analysis? lol…you are hysterical.

  8. VenusVee says :

    Thank you for showing me that im not the only one who stays up at night thinking about random things like this.. haha.. =)

  9. Tess Kann says :

    Indeed! Let’s think of the children. You’re a hoot.

  10. Christine says :

    Dude, that is why I get my brows waxed. I will live long enough to slap my husband awake. The atmosphere is held in place by polar bears, and so you might want to donate to the World Wildlife Fund. Their logo is a panda, and don’t think the polar bears haven’t brought that up in board meetings. Still, they have Coca-cola.

  11. newheavenonearth says :

    Hilarious! Thanks for sharing a guff-awe

  12. Elyse says :

    No sleep for me tonight. Damn.

  13. Matthew says :

    My question: Do the vampires have special powers? Seems pretty easy to catch a one-legger, unless they have special powers. Let me know; it’s almost dark.

  14. madamfickle says :

    I may be falling in love with you. I laugh out loud every time I read your work.

  15. Ape No. 1 says :

    Damn you! All I have stuck in my head now is your header image of the buffalo behind the tree with a title of “Concerned Squid Meme” just under it…

  16. lightswimming says :

    In the nicest possible way: I am so glad I don’t live in your head… 🙂

  17. cooper says :

    and what happens if there is a shortage of plastic wrap? how will i keep brownies from getting that hard stale crust on the outside?????

  18. edrevets says :

    My biggest fear is having my children kidnapped by blogs written from a pet’s point of view. I’m shuddering thinking about it.

  19. Denise says :

    Don’t forget to worry about what happens if pandas actually decide to procreate one day.

  20. myruthieamore says :

    so funny. thanks.

  21. Eklctc says :

    Ha! Thanks for the post. I, too, worry about the atmosphere blowing up and the internet (or rather, bandwidth) running out.

    Great minds. 🙂

  22. rae marie says :

    I used to write like this. It is very interesting the stream of thought that comes out. Good job. You are especially right about the memes!

  23. living4bliss says :

    Congratulations. I have just nominated you for the Sunshine Award.

    To claim your award please visit http://living4bliss.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/daylight-savings-time-more-sunshine/

    Keep spreading the sunshine.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Daylight Savings Time: More Sunshine « Mental Health Food - March 9, 2012

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