Cookery for gentlemen II
Beans on toast:
Go to a place where bread and beans are. If the place also contains miserable looking people, pay money for the bread and beans. If the place contains a half-finished bottle of Merlot, some eggs and an unidentifiable furry thing, do not pay any money because it is your fridge. Be aware that the beans will be armoured, so you will have to attack them with a knife until they can be poured out into a cup or suitably large ashtray. Open microwave, taking care not to look directly at the inside surfaces. Frantically poke buttons until a big number appears on the display. Press go. Retrieve toaster from outside your back door and plug it in. Stuff bread into slots and waggle knobs in a futile attempt to find the setting between raw and ash. When smoke alarm sounds, hurriedly rush toaster back outside and extricate carbonised bread by means of violent shaking. Open door of microwave and melt fingertips against cup or ashtray. While waiting for swearing to subside, regard inside of microwave with horrified fascination. Do nothing about it. Position tabasco, beans, toast, plate, cushion, legs and sofa in descending order on the vertical. Marvel at ability of some beans to stay cold while their colleagues attain the temperature of molten lead. Feed to dog. Eat Cheerios.