Cookery for gentlemen II

Beans on toast:

Go to a place where bread and beans are. If the place also contains miserable looking people, pay money for the bread and beans. If the place contains a half-finished bottle of Merlot, some eggs and an unidentifiable furry thing, do not pay any money because it is your fridge. Be aware that the beans will be armoured, so you will have to attack them with a knife until they can be poured out into a cup or suitably large ashtray. Open microwave, taking care not to look directly at the inside surfaces. Frantically poke buttons until a big number appears on the display. Press go. Retrieve toaster from outside your back door and plug it in. Stuff bread into slots and waggle knobs in a futile attempt to find the setting between raw and ash. When smoke alarm sounds, hurriedly rush toaster back outside and extricate carbonised bread by means of violent shaking. Open door of microwave and melt fingertips against cup or ashtray. While waiting for swearing to subside, regard inside of microwave with horrified fascination. Do nothing about it. Position tabasco, beans, toast, plate, cushion, legs and sofa in descending order on the vertical. Marvel at ability of some beans to stay cold while their colleagues attain the temperature of molten lead. Feed to dog. Eat Cheerios.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

17 responses to “Cookery for gentlemen II”

  1. mrtinney says :

    Please stop watching me cook or at least stop telling everyone about it. Hilarious!

  2. Abhinav Choudhry says :

    This marvellous ability of the beans or any one its colleagues in the vegetable department daunts me too.
    Eat Cheerios! Lol.

  3. recipeforwings says :

    This is very funny. It reminded me of another classic beans story – written by Russell Baker (which I’d bet a bottle of ketchup you might enjoy if you haven’t read it already). Here’s a link to it –

    Here’s an excerpt: ‘
    At this point in the meal, the stomach was ready for serious eating, and I prepared beans with bacon grease, a dish I perfected in 1937 while developing my cuisine du depression.

    The dish is started by placing a pan over a very high flame until it becomes dangerously hot. A can of Heinz’s pork and beans is then emptied into the pan and allowed to char until it reaches the consistency of hardening concrete. Three strips of bacon are fried to crisps, and when the beans have formed huge dense clots firmly welded to the pan, the bacon grease is poured in and stirred vigorously with a large screw driver.

    This not only adds flavor, but also loosens some of the beans from the side of the pan. Leaving the flame high, I stirred in a three-day old spaghetti sauce found in the refrigerator, added a sprinkle of chili powder, a large dollop of Major Grey’s chutney and a tablespoon of bicarbonate of soda to make the whole dish rise.”


  4. artjen1971 says :

    There needs to be a “love” button (for this blog…)

  5. dawnestrehl says :

    Note to self: Keep toaster on back porch. Brilliant! Wash ashtray though. lol

    Regards, D

  6. Lisa Smith Molinari says :

    I am American, but lived in Cambridgeshire for three years in the late 90s. During that time, I was intrigued by the English notion that canned beans are some type of condiment to be served on toast, baked (jacket for you Brits) potatoes and alongside eggs and fried tomAHtoes. I tried beans on toast once when I was at a pub and hadn’t saved enough money for a proper meal after I spent it all on drinks. I actually liked it (maybe it was the alcohol) but never had the recipe to be able to make it for myself at home. So thanks for that.

    All that stuff I just wrote notwithstanding, your piece is very well written and hilarious!

  7. Bethylicious says :

    I love your posts. I never thought of beans being armored, but they really are. I would think twice about attacking them with that knife though. Modern day cavemen do own can-openers, do they not?

  8. Don in Massachusetts says :

    Reblogged this on Don in Massachusetts and commented:
    maybe someday I will try this…

  9. Sherry says :

    God my husband is now reading you too. I wish I could write stuff this funny. You are terrific!

  10. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    So adorably funny. Keep it up.

  11. clownonfire says :

    You wrote “marvel”.

  12. Martin Cororan says :

    ‘Armoured beans’ – I salute you…

  13. Snoring Dog Studio says :

    I could eat beans on toast. It’s not that odd. If they’re on the same plate, they might as well be lying on top of each other. I wish they’d make a toaster that didn’t have to be supervised in order to get just the right tan.

  14. aquatella says :

    My best friend`s quote: “How do you mean I`m not marriage material – maybe I can`t cook but I can make 147 different sandwiches!”

  15. rae marie says :

    I laughed so hard!!!

  16. rogerdengle says :

    Good stuff Squid. Thanks for the laugh!

  17. anxietyandbiscuits says :

    Unfortunately there’s only one ‘Like’ button. Lovely stuff.

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