Dear Psychologists

Do you know what I think? No? That doesn’t really inspire confidence, does it?
I think that the problem with personality testing is that it’s based on the premise that people can be categorised. I take issue with this, insofar as it seems to be entirely true and I don’t like it.

I therefore propose the following spectrum to allow special people, like me, to be more agreeably compartmentalised by your frustratingly accurate tests:

Transcendent Unfathomability Scale (the following questions are to be answered on an nineteen-point scale, ranging from ‘what?’ to ‘hell yeah!’, with a central point of ‘erm…’)

– I am perfectly able to plan, but I choose to leave my keys in different places every day

– I dislike stress, but embrace procrastination

– I am the lizard king

– Efficiency does not allow for hilarious cat pictures. It must be stopped as soon as we get around to it

– I like getting to know new people, although it’s generally better if they don’t find out I’m watching them

– I sometimes convince myself that the entire universe is a construct of my imagination. The stress of this responsibility then means that I need a biscuit and a nap

– I have names for all twelve of my Chihuahuas, despite never having actually owned one

I tested this on a sample of two thousand imaginary people. Their scores correlated directly with the number of sequins on their pants, proving its validity beyond any doubt.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

14 responses to “Personology”

  1. Eklctc says :

    Thanks for the post. I would agree that everyone probably can be categorized; however, I still think personality testing is faulty simply because not all people, like myself, should be forced into one category with a sensible stream. In all actuality, my personality testing would probably reveal instability and multiple personalities due to my eclectic interests and nontraditional worldview. I mean, what sane person would choose to leave out amongst the trees, bare naked, creating connections with the local wildlife? 😛

  2. edrevets says :

    Seems about right. Usually I classify people by taking their pants and then analyzing them as well as their reactions to the fact I took their pants.

  3. emmytheemu says :

    Now this is a test I really like! 🙂

  4. Random Acts of Writing says :

    19, 15.5, 8-12, 6, 17, 19, achoo

  5. Honjii says :

    I sometimes convince myself that the entire universe is a construct of my imagination.

    I have to take issue with that assertion as the universe (you included) is in fact a construct of my imagination. I think, therefore you are not. 😉

  6. Birdie says :

    Cool!! I’m following the Lizard King!! (hee hee) 🙂

  7. dysfunctional unit says :

    What?…’erm…Hell yea!

  8. Lyssapants says :

    already proposed to my clinical supervisor.

  9. California Kid says :

    Very good stuff Squid. The statement: “I have names for all twelve of my Chihuahuas, despite never having actually owned one” reminds me of a statement on a t-shirt I saw many years ago. It read: “I have a loaded gun but can’t decide which one of the 12 people in my mind will pull the trigger.” It’s quite disturbing actually but funny in a peculiar way. By the way — the man wearing the shirt looked like someone who actually had multiple personalities. Not someone I would hang around with. You on the other hand are definitely someone I would chum around with. Cheers!

  10. The Guat says :

    12 names of your Chihuahuas…awesome

  11. PurpleButterflies says :

    LOL! too funny!! EPIC test!! Hell yeah!haha!

  12. AlphaEN says :

    Christ, you’re killing me… I just got to share this on Twitter… as soon as I stop banging my head into the Escape button.

  13. theressomethingaboutrachel says :

    Love this post. 🙂 I’m working on my masters in psychology right now and just to clarify…the vast majority of people in my program are not a fan of personality tests. Self-report data is problematic in and of itself. So is categorizing people…but hey that doesnt stop us from doing it.

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