Do you know what I think? No? That doesn’t really inspire confidence, does it?
I think that the problem with personality testing is that it’s based on the premise that people can be categorised. I take issue with this, insofar as it seems to be entirely true and I don’t like it.
I therefore propose the following spectrum to allow special people, like me, to be more agreeably compartmentalised by your frustratingly accurate tests:
Transcendent Unfathomability Scale (the following questions are to be answered on an nineteen-point scale, ranging from ‘what?’ to ‘hell yeah!’, with a central point of ‘erm…’)
– I am perfectly able to plan, but I choose to leave my keys in different places every day
– I dislike stress, but embrace procrastination
– I am the lizard king
– Efficiency does not allow for hilarious cat pictures. It must be stopped as soon as we get around to it
– I like getting to know new people, although it’s generally better if they don’t find out I’m watching them
– I sometimes convince myself that the entire universe is a construct of my imagination. The stress of this responsibility then means that I need a biscuit and a nap
– I have names for all twelve of my Chihuahuas, despite never having actually owned one
I tested this on a sample of two thousand imaginary people. Their scores correlated directly with the number of sequins on their pants, proving its validity beyond any doubt.