Neurolinguistic shortcomings

I like words. Particularly when they club together to say things like “have a cheese sandwich” or “come and play in our pit of puppies”. Even so, I do have trouble with some of the features of the modern neural lexicon. For instance:

When someone types LOL, I imagine they meant to type loll – the verb meaning ‘to flop around the place like a bored teenager’ – but were so bored and floppy they couldn’t be bothered to finish typing. OMG… flop.

Since the invention of smiley emoticons, I tend to avoid using colons because I feel like they’re watching me. Will it be the right parenthesis of approval or the left parenthesis of condemnation? Only the colonic smiley-eyes know. Judgemental little bastards.

Whenever I enquire after someone’s wellbeing and they reply “I’m good, how’re you”, I always want to say “I’m evil, thanks for asking”. I never do though, because I’m good.

When I hear someone described as bad-ass, I always imagine it means they have explosive diarrhoea. To be fair, that might explain some of their anger issues.

When I see an apostrophe in the wrong place, I want to find the person who put it there and give it back to them in case they run out. I always keep a spare box of apostrophe’s handy, in case I fancy a random one. ‘


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

26 responses to “Neurolinguistic shortcomings”

  1. Casey Marriott says :

    Haha. Funny. When I first saw ROFL, I thought it was a dog’s bark.

    It’s tough keeping up with the Gen-Zs.

  2. madamfickle says :

    I was just in my car about 20 min ago and thought, I haven’t had an email from dampsquid’s blog in a while. I was getting them everyday for a little bit. I wonwer what Alex is up to? Then boom. New post on dampsquid. Are you in my head?

    You made me laugh out loud as usual.

  3. crweatherford says :

    You never fail to make me chuckle out loud (COL??) while sitting in my quiet office at work. Quite embarrassing. Well worth it every time. Thank you.

  4. Angeline M says :

    I hate those damned little emoticons! But Ive (can I borrow an apostrophe?) folded and started using them. I don’t want anyone to think my sentence is not a happy one.

  5. musingsoftheamusingmuse says :

    Oooh, I shall experiment and respond to “Hi, how are you?” with “I’m evil. Thanks for asking.”

  6. kimastall says :

    You are such a funny guy! I found it hard today to suppress my lol (laughing out loud, not flopping about!) while reading your post in a very quiet office.
    Thanks for always looking at real-life issues from your own perspective, outside the square! :::: A spider’s watching you…

  7. Tess Kann says :

    Nice to see someone seeing the funny side of linguistic fashion / style. lol.

  8. kato writes says :

    I like the idea of returning redundant apostrophes. I’ve occasionally had the urge to tip one too many exclamation mark upside down, like the Spanish do to forewarn you they will be getting excited.

  9. Ria says :

    LOL! And I definitely am not flopping around like a catfish out of water.
    Especially liked the badass bit. Warty backsides can also be considered BAD asses.

  10. hno3burns says :

    cute 😉 they are watching you!

  11. ellisl88 says :

    love ts so much. When I make a spelling error I like to save letters I’ve typed by mistake and then fit them into a subsequent word so they’re not wasted.

  12. Kym says :

    When bored teenage shop assistants ask how I am, sometimes I smile a little crazily and reply with “I’m demented. How are you?” Some of them find this hilarious, and the others stop talking to me at that point – so it’s a win-win situation.

  13. hazeldove76 says :

    Thank you for always giving me a much needed laugh.

  14. newheavenonearth says :

    thanks for the lightness of being

  15. Gabi Coatsworth says :

    I like this. It’s well good…

  16. sweetsound says :

    Please invite me to play in your pit of puppies!

  17. Freaking Happy says :

    I “SMH” @ this generation & those of us who try to keep up with it. I had to actually google “SMH” in the urban dictionary, so that I would understand a text from my spouse’s nephew. Everyone is obsessed with saving time (a whole second of time to be saved), that our emotional responses become so generic or/and so inflated, that our true reactions are disguised. This is a recipe for disaster because our true meaning is almost always taken out of context or/and just generalized to the point that our responses are predictable. I would rather continue to be out of the loop with the times, than sound boring.

  18. Elyse says :

    Great job tackling lots of my favorites — apostrophes and LOL — misuse of the first makes me crazy. And LOL — Lordy, lordy, it makes me want to slap someone. Only they are usually on another gizmo in another place and I, sadly, cannot reach them.

    Thanks for the fun!

  19. OperationJA says :

    Those smiley emoticons and parentheses freak me out as well… I never know what they’re actually thinking…

  20. edrevets says :


  21. sweetmother says :

    texting and email has killed the ‘strunk and white’ in us ALL! lol. or is it loll? 🙂

  22. dimitie says :

    Hilarious! I love your blog 🙂 LOLL!!

  23. Laura says :

    Do you think it’s odd that you feel threatened by spare colons but not apostrophes? I mean, couldn’t they be just as likely turn into voyeuristic spiders with the addition of a few back slashes? Just saying. Fantastic ideas.

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