I like words. Particularly when they club together to say things like “have a cheese sandwich” or “come and play in our pit of puppies”. Even so, I do have trouble with some of the features of the modern neural lexicon. For instance:
When someone types LOL, I imagine they meant to type loll – the verb meaning ‘to flop around the place like a bored teenager’ – but were so bored and floppy they couldn’t be bothered to finish typing. OMG… flop.
Since the invention of smiley emoticons, I tend to avoid using colons because I feel like they’re watching me. Will it be the right parenthesis of approval or the left parenthesis of condemnation? Only the colonic smiley-eyes know. Judgemental little bastards.
Whenever I enquire after someone’s wellbeing and they reply “I’m good, how’re you”, I always want to say “I’m evil, thanks for asking”. I never do though, because I’m good.
When I hear someone described as bad-ass, I always imagine it means they have explosive diarrhoea. To be fair, that might explain some of their anger issues.
When I see an apostrophe in the wrong place, I want to find the person who put it there and give it back to them in case they run out. I always keep a spare box of apostrophe’s handy, in case I fancy a random one. ‘