Morning sickness

Float peacefully through a warm, fragrant haze, quite possibly inhabited by winged kittens playing tiny flutes. Drift to within an inch of the thing you hold dearest in the universe. This may or may not be a ginger biscuit. As you reach out for it, observe the furious buzz of morning and find yourself sitting bolt upright in bed. Wonder where the screaming is coming from. Realise it is you. Stop screaming. Strike alarm clock ineffectually but with enough force to remind it who’s boss. Briefly wonder whether you might be able to force space-time into a more acceptable configuration, in which it’s still five hours earlier, with the power of your mind. Conclude that science probably doesn’t work like that. Observe darkness and curse the decades of socialisation that have removed ‘layabout’ as a career option. Stagger in the direction of toilet. Evacuate, deterge, delouse and descale self as necessary. Arrange self on the inside of garments until passable, to the casual observer, as human. Arrange self on the outside of coffee until passable, to self, as human. Pause in front of reflective surface to arrange facial features into a mask of unrivalled positivity and enthusiasm. Embark, once again, on global domination. Repeat as required.

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

24 responses to “Morning sickness”

  1. Jim says :

    Dang near epic!

  2. WSW says :

    Sadly, such a familiar ritual. If only laying about didn’t make you so damned hungry…

  3. notwh0 says :

    And you guys didn’t even suffer the pain of the time change (spring forward — we lost an hour)

  4. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    You’ve done that so well that I remember it like it was yesterday!

  5. dysfunctional unit says :

    What “layabout” isn’t a position…all this training I’ve done

  6. whyismommygiggling says :

    The best description I’ve ever read. I do not miss this at all!

  7. Karen Wan says :

    Reblogged this on Writing Your Destiny and commented:
    This made me laugh so much when I read it, that I had to reblog it. Dampsquid is one of the funnest blogs I have read. You might enjoy reading it!

  8. jennigreenmiller says :

    Will you be my wake up call? Phone me, say these words and I will forever be in your debt.

  9. clownonfire says :

    You write like when I think about how I would write if I could write like you.

  10. susannecollier says :

    I think you are eating too much cheese at night. I eat all my cheese at 09.32. Although occassionally I save a Dairy Lee for my mid morning snack.

  11. susannecollier says :

    Reblogged this on susannecollier and commented:
    I know I’ve reblogged this guy before…but what the heck…he’s just so darn funny!!

  12. Stu says :

    Weird! That’s exactly how my day started on Monday. Were you somehow trapped inside my bathroom cabinet?

  13. edrevets says :

    Quit complaining.

  14. homemadewhine says :

    Awesome! Ginger biscuit, layabout, global domination. Now that was a good read.

  15. Laura says :

    Funny! Love that you arrange yourself on the inside of clothing. Must read more…

  16. The Guat says :

    You cracked me up with that one. Reminds me of many bachelorette parties …

  17. All that makes you... says :

    I’s sorry, I didn’t get passed it’s March 13th. Is there like an adjustment for people in the states? Crap, I need to pay my bills. March 13? Really?

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