Nature notes

Dear Nature

We’re all terribly impressed by the giraffes and narwhals and chihuahuas and whatnot, but don’t you think it’s time for something new?

I know that evolution is your preferred approach, but it’s not very efficient, is it? With modern business techniques at our disposal, I think we can do better than a hundred million years to develop a gibbon. Here are some ideas. Prototypes by Tuesday? Lovely.

Miniscule hummingbirds that eat earwax and live on underground trains. The frequency of their tiny wings should be directly opposed to whatever noise is leaking from the headphones of the person sitting next to you, thereby cancelling it out and allowing you to enjoy your ear-cleansing in peace.

Chocolate emus that lay huge, hollow eggs containing baby rabbits who burst out of them singing showtunes and tapdancing. If you don’t understand why this is a vital addition to the natural world, you’re in the wrong place.

On a more practical note, I want to be able to store information using herds of databeasts. I want to see great plains full of databeasts, each representing a single datum. They’d look like buffalo (except hairier and more purple) until you got up really close, when they’d stop chewing their partially digested grass, look you squarely in the eye and say ‘eleven point four three or whatever their particular datum might be, ideally in the voice of Frankie Howerd. Database managers would need helicopters and cattle prods to do their jobs. The world would be better.

Also, I see where you’re going with the whole ‘humanity’ idea. It looks good but it would be nice if you could just hurry up and finish it.

Okay? Thanks.



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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

4 responses to “Nature notes”

  1. Technospunky says :

    Reblogged this on Technospunky blah blah blogging on wordpress and commented:
    One of my favorite bloggers

  2. tearoomdelights says :

    Excellent ideas. I especially like the miniscule hummingbirds, and since hummingbirds exist already it shouldn’t be that hard to adapt the basic design.

  3. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    Your sense of humour tickles my funny bone. How do you come up with these things? Never mind. I enjoy them especially the databeasts.

  4. dysfunctional unit says :

    Yer a funny bastard alright…

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