Breakfast for gentlemen

Look into the nearest shiny surface. It might be the moist eyeball of a passing bison, but it’s probably not. Anyway, look closely, what do you see? If, like me, you see an enthusiastic and elegantly bearded connoisseur of contemporary breakfast cuisine, you may stop reading and go and play outside. The rest of you – pay attention – hands on laps, stop talking and spit out that gum – this will change your life.

Step one sees you instructing your valet to retrieve the muffins from the pantry. For the less immediately English among us, I am not referring to those sweet, lumpy things that wear paper underpants and contain blueberries, chocolate chips or some other frightful gimmick. No. You must leave your man in no doubt that he must bring you the savoury toasting muffins if he wants to retain his position in your household. Should he return, wearing the sheepish expression of a gentleman’s gentleman with nuffin where a muffin ought to be, you will be forced to visit a local carbmonger and engage in a monetary-muffinary transaction. In either case, liberate the muffins immediately from the cellophane profanity in which they will have been encased and take a moment to observe them in all their naked glory. Take a deep breath and proceed to step two.

Discover a sausage. Observe its shape. It is the wrong shape. Employing a pair of scissors, a screwdriver or possibly the pointed handle of an unnecessarily elaborate teaspoon, lacerate the sausage repeatedly until its insides are outside its outside. Dispose of the outside with a jaunty flourish and a knowing chuckle. Not for you, the skin of the sausage. You are above such things. Repeat with two further sausages and an escalating sense of self-worth. Combine the erstwhile insides into a unified globule. Compress said globule into the approximate shape of a healthy erythrocyte, the lens of your own left eyeball or, for the sporting among you, a hocky puck.

Gallus gallus domesticus, the domesticated subspecies of the Red Junglefowl, can be Kentucky Fried and procured in family sized buckets. On this occasion however, you need only acquire a favourable example of its unfertilised ovum which you will crack into a frying pan and coagulate sunny side up. Once it has attained a slightly rubbery consistency, you must return your attention immediately to your muffin. I trust that, as a reader of this blog, you will have a samurai sword to hand. If not, a knife will provide the means if not necessarily the style required to divorce the top half of your muffin from the bottom half, which will be known hereafter as part W, for no reason whatsoever. Having done this, arrange the sausage between the egg and part W. You should now be left with only the top of the muffin to deal with. If you don’t know what to do with that, you have my pity.

You now have in your possession a traditional sausage and egg muffin. A dash of Guinness added to the sausage mixture provides a whimsical, Irish variation known as the Sausage and Egg O’Muffin. Certain Scottish sandwich vendors may also offer a similar breakfasting solution, but that is not our concern.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

11 responses to “Breakfast for gentlemen”

  1. DandyLion says :

    What the hell is this?….. I LOVE IT

  2. stuartart says :

    If you’re talking about the bready toasting muffins – I fell in love with them whilst on a trip in the US. If you’re referring to crumpet style muffins (some people call crumpets muffins!!) then I’m not sure if the sausage works. Hmm.

  3. myronathon says :

    the genial use of glottology results in this reader chuckling and wishing he had bought a samurai sword of sorts. Cheese, m

  4. kimterry says :

    I just forwarded this to my fiance. You two are certifiable! :-)) (And I mean that in a good way.)

  5. Roly says :

    Now, that’s, the best muffin breakfast recipe I’ve ever read

  6. Apenyo says :

    What the hell. Terrible. Terrible!

    I’m trying it.

  7. spoufon says :

    Spoufon approved! Excellent opening. I hope you’ll consider a guest post over on our fake group couponing site.

  8. Laura says :

    So funny! I love the way you write. Have forwarded to my teenage daughter and her friend who have just started their own blog. As an example of how to be really clever and funny without the angry snark, but with a mysterious affiliation for inanimate objects that could border on delusional. Not that angry snark or delusion are all bad, there’s just already a preponderance of it in the teen years! Great blog.

  9. Expert of None! says :

    Still laughing over the “underpants” on a muffin. Love it!

  10. snowyqueen says :

    While you bask in the glow of a gentleman’s gentleman, I am preparing moist and meaty for my lady. Thanks for the visit. This is very very funny. S

  11. nomaddness says :

    Delicious! 😀

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