Self diagnostics

Dear Online Medical Community

I’ve reviewed all of your contributions to the internets and have diagnosed myself with everything. I’ll have to type quickly because I expect the leprosy to spread to my fingers any minute. Please do try to keep up.

After reading medical websites for eighteen hours straight, I realised that my vision was starting to distort. The most plausible explanation is that spider eggs were hatching somewhere in my visual cortex and eating my brain. I’ve started drilling holes in my head and gluing flies round the edges to tempt the spiders out. After I’ve finished, should I use some sort of filler to block the holes or can I just use them for keeping marbles in?

Am I supposed to be able to touch my right ear with my left elbow? I can’t. Can you? Am I eligible for financial support to pay someone else to touch my right ear with their left elbow?

Also, does Ebola taste like watermelon? My mouth started to taste like watermelon and I got so worried it was Ebola that I almost couldn’t finish eating my watermelon.

Please respond by phone because I think my eyeballs will probably have dropped out by the time you get back to me. If I don’t answer, it’ll be because my ears have exploded.




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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

24 responses to “Self diagnostics”

  1. grosenberg says :


  2. cooper says :

    Dude…leeches. you forgot the leeches!

  3. Elyse says :

    If you’re having intestinal difficulties, you can drink parasite larvae that will straighten you out pronto. AND it’s delish!

  4. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    I am not a doctor but I DO want to help you. My mother always gave us cod liver oil for what ailed us. You could try that but if it all come sprouting out through the holes in your help, I’m afraid this will not work. Can you plug them with cotton balls or Q-tips?

  5. Angeline M says :

    I will pray for the repose of your soul because you are so screwed!

  6. Lyssapants says :

    Now my left elbow feels deficient and smells like Ebola. This is spreading fast. Call the CDC.

  7. Kelsey says :

    This morning I Googled “everything tastes like soap” — not because the food I was eating tasted like soap, but because I was curious what it might mean if it did.

  8. Technospunky says :

    I am crying… I got such a laugh from this one…I wonder whats wrong with me now.

  9. DandyLion says :

    Dude I’ve had this pain in my jaw for like a week and I think I have tetanus. Actually I’m SURE I have tetanus because I am a regular user of metal RAZORS and maybe one was rusty??? AHHH WE’RE ALL DYING THE HORROR THE HORROR

  10. the howler and me says :
    I was researching some symptoms… and the website told me I had cancer….AGAIN…. why do I ALWAYS have cancer?

  11. mackerelskies says :

    Something I have to keep telling my poor hypochondriac mother:


    Yet still I get phone calls gently hinting that she may be at death’s door and she forgives me for not visiting more often.

  12. Cheryl says :

    I like coopers idea about the leeches, I mean, you already have the holes in your head, surely the leeches will be able to suck the spider egs out. Oh and if you get the DR;s to respond can you ask them about “Hair loss with double vision and twitchy eyes” one eye really, the right one. They wont contact me anymore something about a law suit… tee hee.
    Awesome post!

  13. Amazing Ampersand says :

    As a fellow hypochondria sufferer, I’ve lived every one of those moments. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t feel ill, and I worry what disease that’s a symptom for. Stay well. Or as well as can be expected.

  14. buzzlegum10 says :

    Haha thats funny

  15. susannecollier says :

    How much is a ticket to get into your world…and can I get there by public transport?

  16. Ape No. 1 says :

    This post made my sides hurt. I think it could be my gallbladder.

  17. Snoring Dog Studio says :

    Whatever you do, don’t start googling your mental symptoms. I did it and now I’m insane.

  18. lindastudley says :

    Love it! Gave me a heck of a good chuckle.

  19. gabrielgarbowota says :

    You are a comic genius. Pitch-perfect post, here.

  20. idiotprufs says :

    Ebola tastes exactly like watermelon, with a slight hint of rotting flesh.

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