On the subject of forward motion

What’s wrong with people these days, eh? Pfft.

I don’t mean you, obviously. As a visitor and possible subscriber to this blog, you have elevated yourself into spheres quite unheard of by mere ‘people’. You, my dear, dear squidlet, who are more God than person, are exempt from such tawdry classifications. I mean everyone else.

Like that chap over there. Yes, you.
Why do you insist on marching along at twenty miles an hour, head down, brain sucked through the screen of your blackcurrant into the sanity vortex generated by a billion pointless emails, expecting me to not walk into you when I’m doing exactly the same thing in the opposite direction. Seriously. Watch where I’m going.

While I’m on the subject, I don’t know very much about cars. I know I wasn’t on the subject, but that’s only because I cut and pasted a paragraph about cars from above this one to down there somewhere, because it seemed to need a shady corner. Anyway, while I’m on the subject of cars… Being Man, I know that I ought to be turgidly aquiver in the presence of a roaring tin can full of horsepowers and valves and shit. I’m not though. Cars are divided into two categories: the one with which I’m trying not to murder anyone and all the others that have no interest in returning the favour. Bastards. Not you, obviously.

Sometimes I might notice one if it’s covered entirely in grass or being driven by an ostrich or something.

My idea of driving involves stomping on the pedals, twiddling the wheel and furiously waggling the gear-cruncher so as to arrive as near as reasonably practicable to point B with minimal fatalities. I may not be among the best ninty eight per cent of drivers, but I can steer with my knees for long enough to eat two happy meals and a mango.


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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

17 responses to “On the subject of forward motion”

  1. momentsnotmemories says :

    In this day and age it’s rather unnecessary to really care about other people that much …. 🙂 Ive written a similar article, although more serious on my blog 🙂

  2. rhcwilliams says :

    Squidlets unite! 🙂

  3. hno3burns says :

    I love mangoes….

  4. tearoomdelights says :

    You must have very tall knees.

  5. Roly says :

    LOL Just aim the thing straight and go. 🙂

  6. Stuartart says :

    Ah, fatalities. I should have stopped then, right?? :-/

  7. Snoring Dog Studio says :

    I don’t care much for cars, either. They seem to stomp on and flatten far too many squirrels. I don’t know if this is a feature built into the mechanics of the car or the fault of the driver, but it’s all so very wrong.

  8. susannecollier says :

    I never realised I was a squidlet….can I use that on my CV?

    • Squid says :

      There should be no need to communicate your squidletage through such prosaic channels as a CV. As an active squidlet (of the commenting variety, no less) you have probably noticed that you now emit a faint glow or aura. No? Pop into the bathroom and check in the mirror. I’ll wait here.

      Told you.

      That said, should someone fail to be suitably humbled by the warming glow of your glorious squiddiness (because they lobotomised themselves in a freak soup-eating accident, for instance), you may need to announce the fact:

      “I’m Suzie and I’m a squidlet! [pause for cheering to subside] I like long walks on the beach, dissecting Oreo biscuits with my teeth and cats.”

      “Okay, but did you want that as a meal, or just the burger?”


      “Also, could you please put that megaphone away? You’re scaring the other customers.”

      • susannecollier says :

        Wow! That was an epic reply…truly worthy of your Squidness, Sir.
        Just wondering how you disect an Oreo with a cat? Also, how do you know if you have a true squiddy glow, or just an inneffective deodorant?

  9. Tess Kann says :

    I don’t know whether to be impressed or disappointed. I’ve seen people drive, shave, talk on their cell phone and eat a Happy Meal. A little more practice and I’m sure you’ll be crowned king of the driving set. Tee Hee.

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