Generic Cover Letter (with brownies)

My Dear Prospective Employers

It’s your lucky day! You’re so lucky I almost wish I was you, except that the only reason you’re so lucky is because I’m out here looking for a job. Shush now, don’t get so worked up or you’ll be sick.

I’ve forsaken the traditional covering letter because I am much better at lying in person, so I’ll save that for the interview. Instead, I’ve decided that you’ll be much better off with a recipe for oat brownies.

Step one: check that you want to eat oat brownies. People often overlook this step and are stuck with millions of oat brownies and nowhere to put them, even after they’ve got rid of all their furniture.

Acquire a box, bag or bladder of oats. Decant them into a bowl and dispose of the packaging as per local arrangements. Allow to stand.

Add a chocolate flavoured substance of your preference. If you do not have a chocolate flavoured substance, you can use chocolate.

Add milk in a sprightly fashion, as though you were once a billionaire jockey with a huge house and a trophy wife, but you abandoned it all to live in a cave and pour milk on oats, because that’s how much you like pouring milk on oats. You know – sprightly.

Pop to the loo if necessary. If unnecessary, don’t pop anywhere. Honestly, I really think you ought to be figuring these things out for yourself by now.

Step seven: Stir the mixture until it looks about right or until you need to stop because there’s penguins on the television.

This next bit’s important, so I’ll write slowly:

Plonk the stuff on a thing and whack it in the oven

Step D: Oven it, with all like fire and that

Bring it out of the oven wearing gloves or, if preferred, a hat

Remark on the fact that this really isn’t a brownie but more of a big glob of burnt shit

Chop it into bits with a chopper

Throw it away

Like on Facenook if you care about orphans with no legs

Repeat step twelve until someone calls the police

Okay?

I can start immediately but will be on leave until next week because this week I’m busy cleaning oats out of my ear. Please make sure my desk is in a shaded corner, out of direct sunlight and with adequate drainage.

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

13 responses to “Generic Cover Letter (with brownies)”

  1. sparkyleegeek says :

    I laughed out loud at this- so funny 🙂

  2. amberlife says :

    Where HAVE you been!!?? Brilliant – made me laugh at my desk!

  3. amberlife says :

    Obviously not AT my desk……….

  4. therealbdaddy says :

    Hard laughed that my head nearly fell off!

  5. Sparrowgrass says :

    Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

    Good luck with the ear-oats.

  6. rhcwilliams says :

    You’re hilarious, D.S.!

    My favorite bits: “Step seven: Stir the mixture until it looks about right or until you need to stop because there’s penguins on the television.”

    and

    “Plonk the stuff on a thing and whack it in the oven.”

    It’s 8 AM here in New Jersey and you made me laugh out loud, so thank you! Great way to start my day.

  7. gabrielgarbowota says :

    Wow. Today had not been starting out well at all. I’m so glad you wrote this bit for the sole purpose of turning my morning around. My heartfelt thanks.

  8. hazeldove76 says :

    I was so excited to see this in my inbox between “pay this now or else…” And “20% off of all horse troughs starts today”. I was even more excited after I read it. Mostly about the fact that you appear to be back, but 20% about oat brownies.

  9. Leon J Williams says :

    I too laughed out loud, brilliant, very funny

  10. Let's CUT the Crap! says :

    Where have you been hiding? Oh, you got lost in the brownie…

    Too funny for words.

  11. peachyteachy says :

    Let me know when the e-cookbook comes out. Possible working title: Deliciousness: Bladders of Oats. Also, thank you for the reminder about checking to ascertain whether one wants oat brownies. This life lesson could save us all so much time and grief.

  12. mollytopia says :

    Hilarious! I will stop anything if penguins are on tv. Thanks for the laugh : )

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