Like philosophy, without all the thinking
I can still remember a time before my gut had an underneath. Back then, I could have outrun the neighbourhood children who now use my abdominal overhang as an informal meeting place out of the rain. Of course, that would’ve before free wifi access was mysteriously installed in one of my folds, so they probably wouldn’t have bothered. It’s not that I mind them being there, but the graffiti is starting to itch.
Oh. Hang on. Sorry, I need to take this. Talk amongst yourselves for a minute… Hello? No, it’s okay, I’m just doing a blog. Yeah, it’s okay. Not one of my best, but it’s been a while. What? Why am I talking in italics? This is my telephone voice… you know that.
Anyway, why did you…? Oh, okay. No – try the Vaseline first, then the bolt cutters. But make sure you put a plastic sheet down, ‘kay. Yeah. No, that only works with goats. Okay bye.
So sorry… Where was I? Ah yes – When you’re at the shops and it’s time to pay and you walk up to the cash register and you need to get your money out, do you ever wonder whether life would be easier if you didn’t always wear boxing gloves? It certainly makes it easier to deal with the people in the queue when they start tutting, but how many unconscious pensioners does it take to make it worth losing all those coins? Probably three or four.
Do you sometimes get the feeling that nobody’s watching you? Me neither. I should probably close the curtains. Or start wearing clothes around the house. Or to church. Probably.
Have you ever eaten something that disagreed with you, only to realise afterwards that they hadn’t been disagreeing so much as offering a different but equally valid perspective? It’s explaining to their next of kin that I find awkward. Especially when you’re sat at their dinner table, covered in bits of Geoffrey and carrot. So embarrassing.