Have you ever thought of becoming a model? Yes, me too. I was recently approached by an agency who suggested I could be a perfect scale model of the London Eye. I almost went for the casting shoot, but it would have meant getting on two different buses so I stayed at home and had some crisps instead.
You, on the other hand, with your unapologetically well proportioned head and classically chiseled nostrils, you could be an actual model. With, like, clothes…
As someone with obvious experience in the field, I offer you this tidbit of wisdom (henceforth, a wisbit): in the absence of a vacuum cleaner, you can use one or more small animals to clear the crisp crumbs off your bejewelled ‘statement cape’ before mincing your way into the pages of Vogue.