How to Paint an Horse

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you could paint an amazing painting of an horse (silent ‘h’)? Me too! Sssh – Don’t tell anyone – we’ll surprise them…

Okay. I’m back. I’ve done lots of practice, so you can just follow my instructions and use the time you save to grow beans.

The first thing is to decide what sort of horse you want to paint, because this will inform the colour and flavour of the paint you need. I recommend painting a glittery horse that tastes of jam, so you’ll need glitter and jam. Go and get some – I’ll be here.

Now you need to have something to paint your horse on, or the glitterjam will just fall onto the floor and it takes ages to suck back out. Also, dogs don’t seem to enjoy being painted on, so maybe use a shoe or a coconut or paper. You know – something without teeth.

You’re ready to start painting. Yay. Take your jam and glitter and put it on your coconut or lampshade or whatever. Here’s the really important bit – only put it in the places where a picture of a horse (audible ‘h’) would be. This will be a job for your imagination because, unless you’ve actually seen a orse (invisible, yet audible ‘h’), it’s impossible to know how many legs and wings to give it. Three of each works well.

All done? I’m very proud of you. Add a sprinkling of bacon and serve at room temperature.

Okay. Bye.

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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

2 responses to “How to Paint an Horse”

  1. Julia Lockwood says :

    Great to have a new blog from you, Alex. I’ve missed your horse-painting advice.

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