Love, with error bars

Dear St. Valentine

May I call you St.? Are you at all related to Sesame St.?


I was planning to buy ten roses for the price of a small bungalow, but I got distracted and spent all of my money on anchovies. Will these do instead? I’ve made little cherub wings for them out of toilet paper and suspended them from a wire coat hanger. They look a bit like huge flies. Should I put glitter on them, or would that be weird?

I made a card to go with the anchovies. It says: “I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow and a bit more than next Tuesday; probably about the same as that day last week when you made me beans on toast” but I realised that this would be better expressed with some sort of line graph. Then I got worried that the graph could be misleading without proper context, so now I have a sixteen page report with quarterly projections. I’ll sing it to her while she makes dinner.

Will this do?

All the best



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About Alex

I am an Excel spreadsheet that gained sentience back in 2000.

28 responses to “Love, with error bars”

  1. raburcke says :

    Reblogged this on Ralphie´s Portal and commented:
    You heartbreaker, you! I’m all teary-eyed now…

  2. amberlife says :

    Related to Sesame St – well duh – of course he is!!! Am liking the card idea too which I may in fact steal…..

  3. Snoring Dog Studio says :

    Ah, true love! It does exist! Only a true love would offer up her amor a plate of beans on toast. Toot toot!

    Amazing post. Enthralled by it.

  4. Peter Parkorr says :

    Genius? Or drivel…?? Genius, or drivel…? Certainly amusing, so I’m tweeting it anyway 😀

  5. edrevets says :

    your British is showing, maybe. Beans on toast indeed.

  6. clownonfire says :

    I offered my wife Ryan Gosling. He doesn’t know it yet, though.

    • Squid says :

      After spending months flinging baby geese off my roof, I’ve just realised she probably didn’t ask for a ‘flyin’ gosling’ after all. Bugger.

  7. somethingmoreat40plus says :

    bbbwwwaAAHHHHH…TO FUNNY!!♥

  8. sarsm says :

    Well, I for one would find the graph hilarious….

  9. Kay_to_the_Tee says :

    You have my exact humour. Give it back!

  10. dysfunctional unit says :

    Ahh! Nothing says love than dangling slowly rotating winged anchovies and a sixteen page “love prospectus” aria…
    Here in the states it’s all about “Hearty the Love Struck Snowman”
    Another good lil post

    (just as an aside I worked in a floral wholesale business a few year ago. At the time roses were between $50/60 (average) per dozen here in the states. The wholesale price florists bought them for, $15/20 per 25 roses. As wholesaler our price was less than $5/10 per 25. That kind of profit would make drug dealers proud Lolsidc)

  11. Casey Marriott says :

    Well, as long as she like anchovies… Did you ask her if she like anchovies?

  12. timmy says :

    Your posts never fail to make me smile 🙂
    HAPPY V’DAY..x

  13. kimterry says :

    Loved this one! There’s now a big gap between my stomach and legs from laughing my rear-end off.

  14. kimterry says :

    BTW, I shared this Valentine’s Day treat with my fiance. Hopefully, there will be a similar gap in his anatomy, too.

  15. Janet Ponce says :

    That is awesome. It so sweet n truthful. A line graph would be a neat ideal n maybe the poem of loving variable amounts underneath. Very cute.

  16. grandmalin says :

    Will this do? Are you kidding? It’s perfect. 🙂 even without the glitter.

  17. Ricki says :

    Ralphie brought me here. 😉
    This is so much more creative than bloody boring roses! I would love you for that if you would be my Valentine. 😀

  18. philosophermouseofthehedge says :

    Nice. Happy Bloggentines Day to you!

  19. Denise says :

    Tuesday is indeed the funniest day of the week. Anchovies however are less funny. Unless they have loo-roll wings (with/without glitter).

  20. Thestrugglershandbook says :

    Like it, Centurion, like it. And congratulations on being Freshly Pressed; I was as well, and at the same time. I’m curious to know what your experience was like.

  21. Tess Kann says :

    Just anchovies straight up? Nothing to go with them? I think I would need some kind of chaser.

  22. Casey Marriott says :

    Your posts crack me up! I said you were a good blog here:

    Still laughing…

  23. suddenleigh says :

    Clever and cute with a side of madness. Thanks for the smile boost.

  24. AlphaEN says :

    Love how she ends up making dinner on St. Valentine’s day. Really, it’s that simple, since you’ve got the anchovies. And accompanied by the singing of the report, her cooking skills are bound to improve.
    I listed your blog on my site. Thanks.

  25. thispedestrianlife says :

    A dose of nonsense! Love it!

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